Comforting the Bereaved

(Image Source: MentalHelp.Net)

I’ve been, what is compassionately known as, a “bereaved”: someone who is experiencing bereavement; the act of mourning over the death of a loved one, especially a relative. This I have been on more than one occasion. I could therefore call myself somewhat experienced in such matters and would consequently like to share what I found most irritating about sympathizers.

At the death of my mother quite a number of relatives thought it their obligation to share with me their condolences. Some went about it in a bearably quick fashion, but others thought it appropriate to ‘talk’ to me, to share some words of wisdom and comfort. A few would even evoke God into their commiserations. The bereaved is expected to listen to such addresses, shake their heads in agreement and whimper words of confirmations. This is the last thing a bereaved wants to do. One does not want to listen to the good intended, but otherwise ill-timed gurglings of other people. One is not in the mood to listen to other people’s attempts at making sense of it all, when you are yourself incapable of processing the ‘sense’ and the ‘nonsense’ that is life.

The best sympathizers are those that make their condolences quick and sincere. The best condolence I received after the passing of my mom was from an acquaintance that merely said: “I’m sorry.” He’s words were heartfelt and to the point. He did not tarry. The condolence did not require any effort on my part – I did not have to listen attentively nor respond. Neither of these are things the bereaved have energy for.

Appropriately timed, and of an appropriate length, a hug is also appreciated by some bereaved. At my girlfriend’s funeral the father of a friend of mine gave me an earnest hug. It wasn’t stiff and hastily over as if the sorrow of the mourner will carry over like an infectious disease. Nor was it unnecessary long. The hug should be cordial, but free to be lengthened if the bereaved requires the comfort of the embrace for a little longer. The focus of the affection should be the bereaved, not the sympathizer. I remember at the gravesite of my mother’s funeral someone hugging me, and then started to sob. I ended up comforting this person when I was supposed to be the one comforted. That’s just bad bereavement etiquette.

If you feel uncomfortable speaking to the bereaved, or feel unsure about what to say, or think that you may start to cry yourself when you try to comfort the bereaved, then rather keep your distance. The bereaved do not have the emotional energy to handle your discomfort, loss for words, or emotional breakdown. Stick with a standard but sincere “I am sorry for your loss,” and move on, or sent a card with a similarly short and sincere message.

If you are very close to the bereaved, like a best friend, then your support is required. Let the bereaved know that you are there for them, you’d be happy to help however possible, and that you have a shoulder to cry on and are willing to listen if they feel like talking. And then, just stay close and keep your mouth shut. There is comfort in your presence. The bereaved will talk to you if he or she feels like talking. Don’t pressure them into anything. Just be. However, while your closeness can be comforting, you should also allow the bereaved some time alone to work through the anger and sorrow by themselves. Some people cannot let themselves go emotionally in the presence of other people. It is therefore necessary for you to give them the space and opportunity to express themselves in private.

To be a good sympathizer requires tact. From experience I would say less is more. However, that does not mean that no condolences are better. Nor does it release very close family and friends from honest comforting.