Ou gevoelens

Terwyl ek deur my notas gaan opsoek na 'n ou gedig wat ek lank terug begin het, maar nooit klaar gemaak het nie, kom ek op hierdie kriebels af wat ek twee jaar gelede geskryf het:

Ek is in 'n baie slegte plek op die oomblik. Vir 'n geruime tyd was ek in 'n tipe langafstandsverhouding omdat my geliefde vir langdurige tye op reis is vir werksdoeleindes. In elk geval, gister het ons ons verhoudingstatus tot slegs-vriende herskryf. 

Ek het 'n verassende, tog waardevolle les geleer. Soms eindig verhoudings nie omdat mense mekaar nie genoeg lief het nie, maar omdat hulle mekaar te veel lief het. Die aard van ons verhouding en die lang tye wat ons verwyderd van mekaar was, was net te erg om te hanteer, veral aangesien ek met tyd net meer verlief raak, en meer intens lief kry. Weens 'n verskydenheid van veranderlikes (insluitende kulturele en godsdienstige verskille en ander komplikasies) het ons verhouding nie 'n volhoubare toekoms nie; 'n eventuele opbreuk is onvermydelik. Die liefdevolle ding om te doen was om dit te beëindig, want hoe langer ons aangehou het, hoe groter sou die eventuele skade aan onsself en ander om ons wees. 

Ek weet dat die beëindiging van ons verhouding was die regte keuse gewees, nietemin voel ek geweldig, ongelooflik, verskriklik hartseer. Dit is so pynlik omdat dit so kosbaar was. 

Ek was gister so emosioneel dat ek wou opgooi en het my oë dik gehuil. Ek huil nie oor dit die einde van ons verhouding is nie; ek huil omdat dit die einde van ons toekoms is.

Ek voel alleen en as 'n buitelander nog meer so. Ek kan nie help wonder of hierdie 'n voorsmakie van my uiteinde is nie: eendag mag ek myself oud, geïsoleer, en eensaam vind.

Twee jaar later, en darem kan ek sê dat daardie erg intense hartseer verby is. Dit beteken nie dat ek nie nog steeds gevoelens vir my eks het nie. Ons opbreuk was nie een van daardie toksiese eindes nie. Ons is steeds vriende en sien mekaar so elke paar maande vir 'n ete of 'n koffie en deel graag sekere hoogtepunte met mekaar. Sedert ons verhouding geëinding het, was ek nog nie weer in 'n ernstige langtermyn verhouding nie. Daar was 'n paar pogings wat nie van die grond af gekom het nie, en toe ek met my doktorsgraad begin het, het ek ook maar besluit dit is dalk beter om nie te veel afleidings te hê nie.

Ek dink steeds terug aan daardie gebrokenheid toe ek so "geweldig, ongelooflik, verskriklik hartseer" was, en daardie groot lewensles wat ek geleer het: die paradoks dat liefde soms die motivering kan wees om 'n verhouding te eindig. Die verhouding was in baie opsigte 'n "eerste" vir my gewees. Dit was my eerste ernstige verhouding met 'n Koreaner gewees. Ook die eerste keer dat ek in 'n verhouding was met iemand van 'n ander godsdienstige oortuiging -- of eerder godsdienslose oortuiging (ateïs). En verskeie ander eerstes. Ondanks die seer, is ek bly vir die groei en insigte wat dit tot gevolg gehad het. Dit is nogal 'n herhalende lewenstema, is dit nie: pyn bring groei. Dit is nie pyn wat ek weer wil hê nie, maar ek wil ook nie stagneer in my lewenstog nie. So is die lewe...

Gedagtes omtrent lewensmaats

Ou gedagtes het vandag bietjie vir my gekristaliseer terwyl ek in 'n gesprek met iemand was oor wat dit is wat ek in 'n lewensmaat wil hê. Dit het my toe laat besef dat daar is moontlik twee groepe mense, met betrekking tot verwagtinge van hul lewensmaat. Die twee groepe kan basies verdeel word onder 'n “vervul”-groep en 'n “aanvul”-groep.

Aan die een kant is die vervul-groep: daardie mense wat voel dat iets in hulle lewe kortkom, dat daar is 'n leemte in hulle hart wat deur iemand vervul moet word. Dis die groep mense wat soek na 'n anderhelfte om volledig te word. Hulle vind hulle kompleetheid, vervulling, volledigheid in hulle anderhelfte. Daar is iets romanties aan die “you complete me”-idee, en dit raak ongetwyfeld die harte van vele mense, en is daarom nie sonder rede 'n tema in baie romantiese stories en films nie.

Aan die ander kant is die aanvul-groep, wat nie 'n behoefte het om vervul te word nie, en wat nie voel dat hulle onvolledig is nie, en soek gevolglik nie na iemand om hulle te kom voltooi nie. Die aanvul-groep soek eerder iemand om hulle te komplimenteer, 'n eweknie wat hulle aanvul. Hierdie mens kan onafhanklik funksioneer, maar besef ook dat die lewe beter is in 'n vennootskap; dat 'n verhouding is sinergeties, sodat die gekombineerde kragte van twee wedersydsondersteunende mense groter is as die twee afsonderlike kragte op hulle eie.

Ondanks ek al verskeie romantiese gedigte geskryf het wat die vervul-tema promofeer, besef ek dat ek in praktyk nie 'n vervul-mens is nie, maar 'n aanvul-mens. Ek soek nie iemand om my te vervul asof ek tans onvolledig is nie; ek soek nie iemand om my anderhelfte te wees, asof ek tans 'n halwe mens is nie. Ook wil ek nie iemand anders se voltooing wees nie. Ek is 'n volledige mens—met of sonder iemand in my lewe. Tog het ek 'n behoefte aan iemand as 'n getuie tot my lewe, 'n eweknie, 'n lewensmaat om die lewenspad saam te loop. Ek is van mening dat so 'n verhouding kan lei tot ware vervulling, en die vervulling is nie mekaar nie, maar iets groter. In so 'n aanvullende, ondersteunende verhouding kan die twee mekaar help om hulle individuele en gedeelde drome te behaal.

In die eersgenoemde tipe verhouding staan die twee en staar in mekaar se oë, so verlief dat niks anders saak maak nie. In die laasgenoemde tipe verhouding staan die twee hand-aan-hand langs mekaar en kyk in dieselfde rigting.

Soos ek vroeër genoem het, die eerste tipe klink nogal romanties. Die probleem wat ek met hierdie tipe verhouding het, is egter dat die twee persone hoef nie regtig goed bymekaar te pas nie—hulle hoef slegs op mekaar verlief te wees. Ongelukkig waai die verliefdheid oor, en wat dan? Ek dink byvoorbeeld aan my ouers wat getrou het omdat hulle verlief was, maar nie omdat hulle noodwendig goeie (lewens-)maats was nie. Met die jare aan het hulle gevind dat hulle nie veel in gemeen het nie. Ek weet nie van my pa nie, maar ek weet my ma het vir dele van haar huwelik baie alleen gevoel. Dit was nie dat hulle nie lief was vir mekaar nie. Dit was bloot dat hulle nie werklik maats was nie. In my opinie is dit beter om alleen te wees, as om saam met iemand te wees en alleen te voel. Ek is seker toe my ouers getrou het, het hulle in mekaar se oë gekyk en gedink dat solank hulle mekaar het, sal dit genoeg wees. Dit is eenvoudig nie die geval nie. 'n Mens moet nie 'n ander persoon die bron van jou geluk maak nie. Geen mens kan daardie verantwoordelik dra nie.

My idee van 'n ideale verhouding (indien so iets bestaan) is nie twee halwe mense wat mekaar heel maak nie, maar twee heel mense wat mekaar komplimenteer. Dis nie twee mense wat verskillende note van dieselfde melodie sing om een volledige deuntjie te maak nie, maar eerder twee mense wat verskillende note in dieselfde sleutel sing—wat in harmonie sing.

Ek hoop so 'n verhouding is ook vir my beskore, maar indien nie, gaan die lewe aan. Ek sou verkies om 'n duet te sing, maar ek gaan nie ophou sing terwyl ek alleen is nie.

A Lesson on Love

Today I learned that one can end a relationship not because you love someone too little, but because you love them too much.

It is one of the most interesting life lessons I have learned so far.

Vacation, Cats, Cloud Atlas, and Being on Korean Television (sort of)

It's been a while since I posted something and I'm trying to think why that is. After all, I am on vacation so I should have lots of time to write stuff. Usually this time of year I find myself in South Africa, travelling from one place to another. However, this year, for the purpose of saving money I did not go to South Africa nor did a travel to any of the other countries here in Asia as I usually do. I'm happy that my decision has been fruitful, as I have now saved enough money for this coming semester's tuition fee. I'm starting a PhD program at a university here in Korea.

Since I have been saving a lot, I have not been doing many activities requiring much expenses. Being my vacation time I'm taking the opportunity to sleep in most mornings, I do some writing work in the afternoon, go to martial art training in the evening and come home to watch some things on my computer. I also do some reading.

Something interesting I did recently was that I visited a "cat cafe" in Korea. There are a number of these in Seoul. Cat cafes can basically be described as a cat-themed coffee shop. You pay a fixed amount, something like $8, and get a drink of your choice (e.g. coffee, tea, juice, etc.) and then hang out with cats. This particularly cafe I went to had an estimated 25 cats. There are all sorts of cat toys, platforms, tunnels, and humans for the cats to enjoy and copious amounts of food. It is indeed "cat heaven". I'm not allowed to have pets in my apartment, so this was a great way to get my feline fix!

I also went to see some movies recently -- the most memorable being Cloud Atlas. While books often make me want to see the film adaptation, I seldom have the opposite feeling. If I hadn't read a book, but did see the film adaptation of the book, I almost never feel an urge to go and buy the book on which the film is based. Cloud Atlas, however, did make me want to read the book and I might indeed do so still -- I just have too many other things on my reading list to make it an immediate priority.

There is one moment in the movie where a character writes to his lover saying: "an unfinished book is like an unfinished love affair". It really struck a chord with me, as I believe the opposite is very true as well. If you are in a relationship, it is important to let it run its course. Let the story come to completion. It might not be a happy ever after story, in fact it may even be a tragedy, but it is important for it to get to its end.

Half a story is not worth telling. 

The above is a little proverb I made up after watching the film and has become somewhat of a theme for me recently. It's about seeing things through to their end, about not starting anything lest I plan to complete it, about not doing things half-heartedly, about rethinking my priorities. It is also about going along for the ride, about enjoying the journey even though you may not know what the destination is, how the story will end. Yes, it is about relationships and allowing myself the space to just experience it, without torturing myself with worries if this is the one or not. 

In other news, the gym I train at literally made the Korean news as a human interest story with it's children's English Taekwon-Do program. I don't teach children so I wasn't really involved with any of this, but there is about 4 seconds of me towards the end of the insert. See below:

Ek hou van die kat

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In 'n e-pos skryf ek vir 'n skoolvriend die volgende:

"Ek is in 'n eksperimentele langafstandsverhouding. Ek kyk nog die kat uit die boom uit. Ek hou van die kat; dis die boom wat die probleem is."

Seven Things I Want in a Partner -- No, Make That Eight Things

"21 Things I Want in a Lover" is a song by Alanis Morissette in which she list different qualities that she would like her partner to have. I like the idea of such a list and agrees with Alanis not only on many of the characteristics that she mentions, but also such a list is itself quite appropriate because, after all, "I have a choice in the matter." But a good friend of mine Skyped me the other day. She is in her 60s and never got married. She warned me quite seriously that I should not be too picky because we all have a "dating shelf life" and soon I might wake up and find myself much less marketable. Another elderly female friend had a similar warning, saying that it is easier to find someone if you are in your mid-life if you had had a wife before; i.e. if you are a widower or divorcee. She explained that if a man reaches a certain age (which apparently I'm swiftly approaching) without having gotten married yet, women think that there must be something wrong with him, otherwise he would have been "caught" long ago.


So while I could easily make my own list of 21 Things recent circumstances, including platonic and intimate encounters, have forced me to rethink what it is I want from a life partner.

#1 Respect

One important thing, I realised, is respect. I am not talking here of respect in the patriarchal man-as-head-of-the-house type of respect. I'm merely talking about respect of me as an individual. Respect admits that I am a free agent. If my partner respects me for who I am, then my partner will never force me to do things I'm not comfortable with, at the same time will my partner try and allow me the freedom to do those things that are important to me. In the past I used to think it of absolute importance that my partner and I have the same religion and ideas about God. I've come to understand now that respecting my views and allowing me to live out my faith is actually more important than sharing my ideas about God. A person can share your religious views, but still hinder your spiritual progress if the person do not respect you and where you are on your spiritual journey. Similarly, I used to think that my partner and I ought to share the same dietary preferences, keeping in mind that I'm mostly vegetarian. But I've seen a number of healthy relationships where one partner is a vegetarian and the other is not, and the relationship is still successful because the two respect each others preferences. Respect, I now believe, is absolutely crucial for a truely healthy relationship. It goes without saying, of course, that the respect should be mutual. I should have the same type of respect towards my partner as my partner has for me.

#2 Unconditional, non-judgemental love

The other thing, which goes hand in hand with respect, is unconditional, non-judgemental love. Most people do not truly love, in the purest sense of the word. True love is unconditional. Unconditional love, I believe, is the only true form of love, for it is wholly unselfish. It is a love that unfetters, rather than restricts, that makes free, rather than imprison. This is the type of love trusts; it is not jealous. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity or selfishness -- both characteristics of an immature, false love. A "love" that is inward focussed, rather than outward focussed. True love, also, does not judge. Non-judgemental acceptance, I have realised, is probably the most redeeming quality in a person that I admire. The individuals I care for most, the people I truly allow into the deepest layers of my soul, are those I know will love me regardless of my worst secrets, my most foul blemishes. Since I have such individuals in my life already, I don't need judgemental individuals in my circle and I definitely do not want such a person as my life partner. An unconditional, non-judgemental partner will always think the best of me. For example, were I to say something that my partner thought insulting, my partner will think that I have maybe miscommunicated, and instead of going on the defensive, will try and resolve the misunderstanding. This type of love requires a self-knowledge and maturity that comes with experience, I know. Again, as I hope to receive such unconditional, non-judgemental love, I expect of myself to give it too because, again to quote Alanis "This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is."




#3 Humbleness

Humbleness is another characteristic that I have always found very attractive. Humbleness is not to be confused with a bad self-esteem or a low self-image. In fact, it is particularly those individuals that are both confident and humble whom I find particularly attractive. Humbleness is the ability to admit when one is wrong, to say thank you for a compliment without becoming proud or boasting, to be thankful for one's blessings. 

#4 Honesty

Another characteristic that I believe to be of utmost importance in the person I hope to share my life with is honesty. Yes, truth often hurts, but if conveyed in respect and love and with a humble attitude it is a wonderful balm. There are times, of course, when truth should be withheld until the hearer is at a place to hear it, and this requires sensitivity and wisdom. While I can accept the former, deliberate deception and falsehoods (lies) are poisons that never has a place in a loving relationship. I truly do not believe that we have to say everything, have to share everything with our partners. The Principle of Respect, already mentioned, requires me to accept it with love and trust if my partner feel not to divulge some things to me. I should trust my partner to share with me those things that I need to know. Respect and unconditional love should make room for untold things. At the same time, non-judgemental love should accept whatever my partner does wish to share with me. I do, however, believe that there are some things that need to be said, some secrets that cannot be kept, but I believe each person should be free to decide what that is for themselves, and that they should listen to their conscious and to the promptings of the Divine Spirit on such matters.

#5 Sexual attraction

It is an unfortunate necessity that I should include a carnal aspect on this list, but mutual sexual attraction is important. I am very much a sexual creatures and although I have found deep heart-to-heart connection to somewhat defer my sexual urges, they do not replace this primary bodily need. It might be that as I grow older this requirement will diminish, but to be honest, as of yet, I can get just as lustful as I when I was an adolescent, and since I try to keep a healthy and active lifestyle I do not foresee this to change dramatically in the next couple of decades.

#6 Appreciation of creativity

A creative sense is, for my particular constitution, a must. In the past I might have expected my partner to also be creative and artistic as myself, but I do not hold this as a standard any more, as long as my partner has an appreciation for creativity. Notice that I'm not saying a mere appreciation for art. No, it must be an appreciation for the artistic impulse -- my partner will, after all, be living with an artist and us artists can become quite odd at times. We go through seasons of strangeness (melancholy, mania, apathy, bliss, etc.), that doesn't befall other people to the same frequency. Although I'm quite a "balanced" creative soul, a mere indulgence of an artist's creative waves may not be enough, I think, to live with one. It needs to be an understanding -- an appreciation -- of the creative mind and its cycles. To put it in the words of Alison Krauss: "Some folks seem to think I only got one problem: I can't find nobody as crazy as me."

#7 Comfortable friendship

A comfortable friendship is an often overlooked quality, but it is a crucial one. After all, it is the thing that will make us want to spend time with each other and be comfortable in each others space.

#8 Inspirational

After contemplating my list of seven things over a couple of days, I came to the conclusion that there is another quality I wish for in a life partner: my partner should inspire me to be a better person. The key word here is inspire. People can tell you to be better, nag you to be better, try and manipulate you to be better, but such attempts at changing someone will only cause superficial changes. I have no interest in such a relationship, which would of course be against my earlier point of unconditional, non-judgemental love. No, my partner's love for me, and my partner's own life and example ought to be the things that inspire me. If your partner inspires you to personal betterment, how can that not be a good thing, a good relationship?
For now this is my short list of qualities I want in a partner, mightily reduced from my previous check-list that my friend warned me against, and which, according to her, made me much too picky. I think, however, that this shorter list doesn't make it any less difficult to find a match! *sigh*

Of course, there are other things that will create the initial spark, for instance a beautiful smile, diverse interests, a sense of humour, a healthy lifestyle, nice legs . . . but let me stop here before I start making check lists again!

"You Owe Me Nothing in Return"

Alanis Morissette's song "You Owe Me Nothing in Return" effectively summarises how I understand love in a relationship ought to be. It describes an unselfish version of love -- "the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is." Unfortunately there are so few people mature enough, and secure enough, to understand and want such a love and a relationship based on such a love. It requires complete trust of and faith in your partner. It also requires self-assurance. There is no room for self-pity and insisting in your partner fulfilling your selfish needs.

I hope to one day find a person to share a relationship based on such an understanding of love. And I hope that when I find that person that I will have grown adequately to present my partner with this type of love in return.



"You Owe Me Nothing In Return"

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

Dagdroom

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Ek wens ek het ’n geliefde gehad vir wie ek die volgende woorde kon sê:

"Jy raak aan my en vir die eerste keer voel ek myself. Jy kyk na my en vir die eerste keer sien ek myself. Jou oë tas my en jou vingerpunte sien my en ek voel reg nes ek is, want jy het my lief. Want ek het jou lief."

Priorities

“Are you married?”

“No,”

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No,”

“ . . . “

“I don’t have enough time.”

“Time is a very relative concept.”

“Sure.”

“It’s all about priorities.”

“Yeah, I work during the day and do martial arts at night. So I guess these are my priorities.”

So went the conversation between my pharmacist and I. This short interaction distilled a big issue between my X and I. We had a number of quibbles related to time. In South Africa, my part time position at the university resulted in me having nice pockets of free time during the day. However, I had to augment my income with teaching martial art classes in the evening. My X, on the other hand, had little free time during the day, but ample free time in the evenings. The only time we could really spend together was at night when I did not teach Taekwon-Do and there was an unspoken expectation that I ought to reduce my evening activities so that we could have more time together. I was, however, not willing to do that. Teaching martial arts was not merely an extra income for me; it is a passion. Martial arts are a way of life for me.

“It’s all about priorities,” said the pharmacist, and he is correct. The martial arts is a main priority in my life. It is in part why I am in Korea. I currently train in three martial arts (Taekwon-Do, Hapkido and Brazilian Jiu-jitsu) and would have added two more (Taekkyeon and Gomdo – sword fencing) if I could fit them in. Lest I find a future partner that either shares my passion for the martial arts (so that we could do it together) or respects it enough to allow me to do it, I very much doubt I will have a lasting relationship.

While having dinner with Master George Vitale a month or two ago the two of us where speaking excitedly about the martial arts. Sometime during our conversation he dropped: “This is why I’m not married. They all get tired of it sooner or later.” It is not impossible. I am friends with a married couple who teach Taekwon-Do together; since it is a shared passion it works perfectly fine. I also have another friend whose wife is not into the martial arts but we actively support him in his passion. She would often urge him to go to training. I don’t know if she just enjoys the lone time or if she truly cares so much for him that she finds joy out of knowing that he is doing the thing he enjoys. Both these examples are relationships I find quite enviable.

“It’s all about priorities.”

Shakespeare, Marriage, Fatherhood, and my X

 

"Saturday Morning" or "The Cottager's Merchandise" by W. R. Bigg.

What is it with this Shakespeare dude? He insists that I should marry and have children, and he knows fully well how I feel about it. But not for a moment does he stop his whining.

8

Music to hear, why hear'st thou music sadly?
Sweets with sweets war not, joy delights in joy:
Why lov'st thou that which thou receiv'st not gladly,
Or else receiv'st with pleasure thine annoy?
If the true concord of well-tuned sounds,
By unions married do offend thine ear,
They do but sweetly chide thee, who confounds
In singleness the parts that thou shouldst bear:
Mark how one string sweet husband to another,
Strikes each in each by mutual ordering;
Resembling sire, and child, and happy mother,
Who all in one, one pleasing note do sing:
Whose speechless song being many, seeming one,
Sings this to thee, 'Thou single wilt prove none'.

16

But wherefore do not you a mightier way
Make war upon this bloody tyrant Time?
And fortify your self in your decay
With means more blessed than my barren rhyme?
Now stand you on the top of happy hours,
And many maiden gardens yet unset,
With virtuous wish would bear you living flowers,
Much liker than your painted counterfeit:
So should the lines of life that life repair
Which this (Time's pencil) or my pupil pen
Neither in inward worth nor outward fair
Can make you live your self in eyes of men.
To give away your self, keeps your self still,
And you must live drawn by your own sweet skill.

3

Look in thy glass and tell the face thou viewest,
Now is the time that face should form another,
Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest,
Thou dost beguile the world, unbless some mother.
For where is she so fair whose uneared womb
Disdains the tillage of thy husbandry?
Or who is he so fond will be the tomb,
Of his self-love to stop posterity?
Thou art thy mother's glass and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime,
So thou through windows of thine age shalt see,
Despite of wrinkles this thy golden time.
But if thou live remembered not to be,
Die single and thine image dies with thee.

7

Lo in the orient when the gracious light
Lifts up his burning head, each under eye
Doth homage to his new-appearing sight,
Serving with looks his sacred majesty,
And having climbed the steep-up heavenly hill,
Resembling strong youth in his middle age,
Yet mortal looks adore his beauty still,
Attending on his golden pilgrimage:
But when from highmost pitch with weary car,
Like feeble age he reeleth from the day,
The eyes (fore duteous) now converted are
From his low tract and look another way:
So thou, thy self out-going in thy noon:
Unlooked on diest unless thou get a son.

A few weeks ago I saw X again, and also her son – the boy I was ready to adopt and become a father to. In the end, things did not work out between X and I; a big part of it was my decision to take up the lecturing position in Korea. Before we started dating the plan was already set. Knowing that I was going to go to Korea I had no intentions on starting a relationship. She, however, was quite nimble at breaking down my well fortified barriers. “I’ll wait for you,” she said.

I did not know that time could heal wounds so easily, that the mind is so quick to suppress bad memories. When I saw her again recently my heart jumped. “How long will you still stay in Korea?” she asked. “There’s six months remaining on my contract,” I answered, and added: “I’ll probably renew my contract for another two years thereafter; unless... unless there is something for me to come back to?” She only smiled, but gave no reply. Then later, “When you come by again, let’s have tea.”

Clearly I still have a soft spot for her and the boy. But to Shakespeare it seems being a stepfather is not good enough, for he admonishes that my “face should form another” lest my “image dies with [me],” suggesting that my offspring (“living flowers”) will resemble me closer than my self-portraits (“painted-counterfeit”). I’m not sure that I agree. I don’t resemble my father. And why am I considering Shakespeare a trustworthy sage regarding having or adopting children in the first place? Did he even have children?

“Die single and thine image dies with thee,” he says. Surely having children is not the only method to ensure “posterity.” And what is this nonsense about me “unbless[ing] some mother” because I do not intent to “husbandry” her “womb.” There must be women that feel that they are more than just “maiden gardens yet unset,” to whom life is more than just the “virtuous wish” to “bear . . . living flowers” to some man so that he can be remembered and his image not die with him.

“Thou single wilt prove none,” Shakespeare says. I have to disagree. A single person need not be incomplete. In fact, I feel quite complete now and would rather continue to be single than be in a relationship where my completion is dependent on the other person. I’ve gone that route once before and can confidently say that emotional dependence is extremely unhealthy. I do not want to be in a relationship where we complete each other [yuck!]; I want to be in a relationship where we complement each other. The distinction is substantial.

In jest I proposed (via email) to an equally independent friend of mine recently. She declined, saying that we both know that my heart will always belong to Monica Bellucci.

Size doesn’t matter…

…it turns out, it depends what gender you are. Men’s preoccupation with the size of their member may actually be because their eyes are further apart than women’s eyes. And women always thinking that they are too fat may be because their eyes are too close to each other.

(Images from Mission-3D)

An interesting study shows that the further your eyes are from each other the smaller you perceive things to be, and the closer they are together, the bigger things appear to be. So when women say that penis size is not that big a deal, it is in part because women see their partners’ penises as bigger than how their partners perceive themselves. And when women see themselves in the mirror, they actually do look bigger (to themselves).

I wonder if the eyes of many anorexics are statistically closer than the average. And you know those big muscle men whom are just never satisfied with the size of their muscles – maybe their eyes are statistically wider than the average guy. Of course, it’s not all in the eyes, but it could be a contributing factor.
Girls, the next time you think you look fat, your eyes may be fooling you.

Poison & Wine

My brother sent me the link to this YouTube-video of The Civil Wars performing their song "Poison & Wine," guessing that I would like it. I haven't heard of The Civil Wars before, and this is the first time hearing the song. My brother was correct; it is a beautiful song. It reminds me a little of my last relationship -- that love and hurt are often bed partners.

Most Kissable People Challenge

My X's very kissable lips, enjoying chocalate spread from a silver spoon.

My X told me that I kiss better than a woman. That was probably one of the best compliments I have ever received. It also says something about her kissing history. To say that I kiss better than a woman, means that she has kissed a woman before, so she can compare the two. Unlike her, I haven’t kissed any men before. Well not really kissed. In my family culture it is customary to kiss people, regardless of the gender, that are part of the family in greeting, especially if you haven’t seen them in a long time. For instance, when I return to South Africa for a visit in a couple of months I will kiss my brothers upon greeting them at the airport. But that’s not kissing, that’s greeting. So to make it clearer: I’ve never kissed a man romantically before. But what if I have to kiss a man and have a choice in the matter?

So if you had to choose 10 people to kiss, five women and five men, who would you choose? My female list is much easier to fill up, with Monica Bellucci (of course) among the top three. My male list is coming short. I’ve got Elvis so far. Once I have time to think this through I’ll post pictures of the lips I think most smoochable.


Skryfblok’s Most Kissable People Challenge

So here’s the challenge to you. Choose ten people that you would like to kiss. They need to be divided equally as five women and five men. I know some of you may be homophobic, but just pretend there’s a gun against your temple and you have to choose. Then be brave and post it on your blog and send me the link. Alternatively you can wait until I post my list of the 10 Most Kissable People and leave a message in which you reveal your smack-list. (Or if you are not brave enough to reveal the mouths you find most alluring to the whole world, then send me a message to skryfblok at google dot com.)

I’ll post my list in a couple of days and am looking forward to seeing your lists too!

Sabbath Trip Down Memory Lane

Today, I reluctantly got out of bed. I really felt like sleeping in, but I got this consistent impression (Holy Spirit?) that I need to go to church. It is not my custom to skip church – it is one way in which I keep the Sabbath. So I eventually got up, took a quick shower, gulped down two glasses of water and a banana and dashed off to the Sabbath-keeping church close by. While the sermon itself did not speak to me that much, it was still a blessing because I saw some old friends.

I worked with both Robert (American) and Sharon (Korean) a couple of years ago at the language institute where I worked the first time I came to Korea. In fact, Robert and I were room mates. At that time he and Sharon started dating and sometime after I returned to South Africa they got married. Today was the first time for me to see them again since then. They both have a pleasant glow about them, which is nice to see.

After church we sat together during potluck and had a great time catching up. It turns out that Robert taught at the same university and the same department, where I’m teaching now. Actually, he was professor to the current chairperson of my department – Division of English Studies – back in the 80s.

It was superb talking to Sharon as well. Sharon, Kay (a friend from Italy), and I often hang out together talking about such varied topics as being single and our concepts of heaven. Of the three of us, Sharon is the only one to have gotten hitched in the meantime. Although both Kay and I were respectively in serious relationships since then, we are both single again. While romance and relationships were occasional topics of discussion, it was especially the topic of heaven that intrigued us the most. We’d spent hours contemplating what it would be like, the things we’d do and see, and the fun we’re going to have. All three of us believe in a post-resurrection heaven, with physical, albeit glorified, bodies. Whenever I think of Sharon or Kay, I tend to think back to those times and our cheerful meditations.

The Other Woman

A recent post by another blogger made me think about all those songs about “the other woman”.

Nina Simone sings about having to compete against “the other woman”, in that old time classic by the same name. The song starts out with the “rival” (the wife) describing how poorly she compares against “the other woman”, because her husband always sees “the other woman” at her best, after she had “manicure[d] her nails” and “enchante[d] her clothes with French perfume”. In contrast, he has gotten used to his wife – used to the “old routine” – sometimes seeing her with “pin curls in her hair”. Nonetheless, she finds solace in a strange irony: “But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep / The other woman will never have his love to keep / And as the years go by the other woman / Will spend her life alone.”



From the perspective of “the other woman” is the song I’ll be the Other Woman by Soul Children, with the adulteress accepting her fate as the “other woman”, enduring the reality that her lover will not leave his wife for her. She adds a sad condition to her plight: “I’ll be the other woman / All your life / Just as long as I’m the only one / Other than your wife” [Lyrics].



Devendra Banhart also sings about The Other Woman. In this lyric the narrator used to be the woman, but now suddenly finds herself as the other woman. She is perplexed at her [ex-]lover’s fickle feelings towards her: “If you love me then why won't you hold me”; “You love me, you hate me, I’m losing my mind”.



A third perspective, of course, is that of the man who has fallen for “the other woman”. In another song with the same title, Ray Parker Jr sings of falling in love with what was supposed to be a “one night stand”, but turned into “a hot romance”. While he declares that he “hate to have to cheat” one is hardly convinced as he admits to “[fooling] around a little on the side” just like “the average guy”. In his paradigm “a little on the side” seems a common and acceptable occurrence [Lyrics] .



The country singer Ray Parker also sings about The Other Woman. The narrator in this song blames his infidelity on his wife, saying that he did not leave his wife because the other woman is more beautiful (“the other woman, isn’t prettier than you”), but rather because the other woman “soothes [his] wounded pride” and makes him “feel wanted again” [Lyrics]. (Warning: Only watch this video if you have a high tolerance for whining country music.)



Apart from the title, I’m not sure if these “other woman” songs have a unifying moral, except that someone is always paying the price – and it would seem to be the women (yes, both of them). Regarding the “the other woman”, it’s better not to take on that role. The man is unlikely to leave his current woman for you. As GurltalkkTV puts it, men might appreciate “the other woman”, but they definitely do not respect her, regardless what the country singer says.

Touché

"Some folks seem to think I only got one problem
I can't find nobody as crazy as me" -- Alison Krauss

Women wanting to change men

“That won’t work,” she said. “Women always think that they can change a man.”

I had a nice discussion with an elderly friend of mine today. I told her my worry about some women that I suspect are interested in me, but for whom I do not feel the same interest. I mentioned how I did not show much overt attention to them; in the hope that they would get that I’m “just not that into [them]”. Her response was somewhat surprising, and quite enlightening. “Women believe that they can change how you feel, given the opportunity and enough time.”

We did not discuss the success of women in “changing” a man, but it was not necessary. I won’t be changed. I know what I want and what I don’t want in a partner and out of a relationship. Attempting to change my mind is futile.

I just wish I had a nice way of telling them that they are wasting their time.

'n Rede vir trou?

Die rede hoekom ek met haar getrou het, sê ’n vriend vir my, is omdat sy altyd met iets nuuts vorendag kom. Dis sy opmerking na aanleiding van ’n smaaklike drankie wat sy vrou vir ons gemaak het met vars suurlemoenskywe en heuning. Ek kan nie help om te wonder wat gaan gebeur die dag as sy vrou se idees opraak nie.

One-Sided Affections

Image from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

Mike: I’d like to talk with you. I mean, I’d like to… I’d like to really talk with you. We’re talking right now, but you know. I don’t know. I, I don’t feel like I can be… I don’t feel like I can be close to you… We’re close. Right now we’re close, but I mean… you know…
Scott: Uh… How close? I mean?
Mike: Ah, I don’t know. Whatever…
Scott: What?
Mike: What do I mean to you?
Scott: What do you mean to me? Mike, you’re my best friend.
Mike: I know man. I know, I know I’m your friend. We’re good friends and it’s good to be… you know, good friends. That’s a good thing.
Scott: So?
Mike: So I just…

This is a dialogue from My Own Private Idaho. Do you recognize this conversation? Not necessarily the same words, but the gist of it. And not necessarily with someone of the same sex; often its with the opposite sex. But in general... have you ever been in this situation?

I’ve had this conversation a couple of times in my life. Sometimes I was Mike. Sometimes I was Scott. Either way it’s uncomfortable. That curious condition when one party wants more than the other party is willing to give; or when one party feels more than the other one feels.

I’ve just recently experienced it again. This time (lucky for me?) I was Scott. I care for the friend, but just not as much or in the same way. It’s a difficult situation to be in since you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, but you also don’t want to encourage their hopes. Such hope is futile – things won’t change. I don’t know if there is any convenient solution to the problem. In the end, the Mikes usually get hurt.

I have sympathy... I too have been the victim of unrequited love in my life. But even so, I cannot create what is not there, nor will I fool anyone by pretending.

Bright Lights and Promises

This is one of my favourite Janis Ian songs. I was introduced to Janis Ian by an "ex-girlfriend". I write "ex-girlfriend" in quotation marks because it was a complicated relationship. In any case, she was killed in a car accident nearly a decade ago. Still, she has left a lasting affect for the better on me and her other friends.

As for Janis Ian, I like her for a couple of reasons. Of course the sentimental link I have towards her, her beautiful melodies, but also her outspokenness. She's always been a social commentator. Among other things she is critical of the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America). You can read her views here. In protest to the RIAA, Janis Ian deliberately makes some of her songs available for download in MP3-format, from her website.

Janis Ian published her autobiography this year. If my "ex-girlfriend" was still alive, I would have loved to buy "Society's Child: My Autobiography" for her. I can understand why people wish to believe that the deceased are conscious after death. It would have been a nice thought if I could believe that "she" knew about my intention to give her this gift. But, I do not believe in consciousness after death, and honestly wouldn't want that, because that would force me to also believe in people being tortured in hell at this very moment and other such things which I cannot except either.