'n Droom oor grootmens word

Opsoek na iets anders, kom ek op hierdie af wat ek op 26 September 2018 geskryf het. Ek het gedink om die oorspronklike dokument uit te vee, en toe dink ek om die droom maar hier te kom plak, omdat ek soms in die verlede ook sulke drome hier gedeel het. Deesdae is ek nie meer seker regtig wat die funksie van die blog is nie... 'n Bêre plek, blyk dit vir my, vir ou herinneringe. 

’n Paar dae gelede droom ek dat my ouers is oppad om vir my in my huis te kom kuier. Die huis in my droom was nie hier in Korea nie—ek vermoed dit was in Potchefstroom as ek die omgewing reg herken. Ek kan ook nie veel verder onthou wat in die droom gebeur het nie, behalwe ’n nágevoel wat by my gebly het vir ’n lang ruk, selfs nadat ek met my dag begin het.

Dit het my lank geneem, sowat twee dae, om te besef wat aan die gevoel sulke potensie gee. My konklusie is dat ek wens ek het ouers gehad wat my kon sien groot word, en kon sien hoe ek my manstaan in die “grootmenswêreld.”

In die droom was my ouers oppad om my te besoek in mý huis, waarin ek die geleentheid kon hê om gasheer vir hulle te wees. Hierdie is iets wat ek nooit beleef het nie. Weens omstandighede het my ouers my nooit besoek toe ek skool verlaat het en universiteit was nie. Hulle het nie eenkeer voet gesit in die studentekamers wat ek gehuur het nie. Toe ek my eie eerste woonstel gekry het­­­­—’n rondawel in die bosse in Mtunzini, het hulle dit nie gesien nie. En, soos die droom uitwys, het ek nooit die kans gehad om my ouers my plek te wys, vir hulle slaapplek te gee, of kos voor voor te berei nie—nie eens in my drome nie, want met die juiste droom het ek wakker geword nog voordat hulle opgedaag het.

Dit is ’n nuwe insig vir my, dat hierdie ’n algemene ritueel in die pad tot volwassenheid is: wanneer die ouers vir hulle kinders kom kuier in die kinders se woning. Moontlik is díe selfs ’n argetipiese ritueel wat meeste mense nie eens besef is deel van hulle ontwikkelingsproses nie; dit is só normaal, maar ook so fundamenteel, as om jou geliefde aan jou ouers vir die eerste keer te gaan voorstel (of om jou geliefde se ouers te gaan ontmoet), of soos daardie eerste salaris wat jy ontvang by jou eerste werk, of jou die eerste keer wat jy seks het. Elkeen van hierdie dinge is ’n tree tot volwassenheid, en wanneer jy op een daarvan uitmis, is jou onderbewuste daarop attend.

Gister, 25 September, sou my pa se verjaardag gewees het. Alhoewel hy tot ’n rype ouderdom van 80+ jaar geleef het, het ek hom as vaderfiguur lankal reeds verloor. Dit is nog ’n insig wat ek en my jonger broer onlangs gehad het. Baie mense wat weet dat ons pa verlede jaar gesterf het, besef nie dat ons byna twee dekades vroeër reeds ’n vaderfiguur verloor het nie. Ja, hy was ons pa—maar hy was lankal nie meer die vaderfiguurlike simbool wat ’n vader moes wees nie. Hy het nie voorsien, onderhou, of beskerm nie. Hy kon ons nie leer wat dit beteken om ’n man te wees nie. Hy kon nie ons suksesse erken, trotsheid toon of lof deel nie. Dit is ook ’n verlies wat ek meer van bewus raak nou dat ek self my eie middeljare nader. Volgende jaar sal ek veertig wees.

Diamond Dreams

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I often wake up with a remnant from the last dream I had that night. It could be an image, or the lyrics of a song, or a last thought. Sometimes this fragment from my dreamworld is so strong that it keeps with me the whole day. If it is a song that I know then it is easy to quickly go on YouTube, listen to it, and find a sense of closure. At times it is not a previously recorded song, and it may cause me to quickly record the melody. I have a handful such melodies saved various places, on my computer or my mobile phone. Sometimes I remember snippets of lyrics or a single poetic line, which, when I think it is good, I compose into a poem. Some of these lines do not always work as poems immediately, so many of them are just lines on document files on my computer where I have many draft poems.

This morning I woke up with a song, but I couldn't remember the melody, only a phrase from the song "hardness of diamonds". My search for a song about the hardness of diamonds came up empty-handed. Only Rihanna's "Diamonds" popped up.



This was definitely not the song I had in my subconscious this morning.

A much more appropriate song that does have links with both the subconscious and diamonds is The Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds".



So here are some random facts about diamonds:

Diamonds are made of carbon -- yes that black stuff when you burn stuff. It becomes all pretty when the carbon has been under intense heat (between 900 and 1300 °C) and extreme pressure (between 45 and 60 kilobars) for a very long time, which results in the formation of these beautiful carbon crystals.

When I was a kid my grandfather showed me and my brother how to do diamond panning, i.e. how to search for diamonds in a brook using a deep tin plate. One scoops up the sand and pebbles in the plate and then use a special circular motion to wash away the sand and spread open the small pebbles and rocks. There are many false alarms, as there are many quarts crystals that look like diamonds. Granddad also showed us how to determine if the crystals we found were diamonds. There is a way you put it on the palm of your hand then look at the refraction of the light through the crystal on your skin. We found some tiny ones, that are not worth anything, mostly because of their lack of clarity. Many diamonds are not fully clear -- they have some dirt in them that looks like smokey smudges. Such diamonds are usually discarded as they cannot be made into the beautiful clear jewels that we usually associate with brilliant diamonds.

Apart from clarity, diamonds are also valued according to its size (carat), colour, and finally the cut.

Why I dreamed about the "hardness" of diamonds, I don't know. The hardness of things are measured in Mohs. The softest minerals are 1 Moh, and diamonds, being the hardest natural substance is measured at 10 Mohs. The word "diamond" comes from the Greek word "adámas", that means unbreakable. The only thing that can scratch a diamond is another diamond.

The video below has some more interesting facts about diamonds:

In Conversation with DiCaprio

This morning I dreamed I was having a conversation with Leo DiCaprio and I complimented him on his vintage jacket. "Never buy English designs," replies he. "They go out of style too quickly." (I understood him to mean that French or Italian styles have his blessing. "Well, I cannot afford what you are wearing," says I. "Not yet, at least." And then I woke up with a sense to buy things that are more expensive, but quality and which will last longer and not go out of style quickly.

I Dreamed About a Chicken

I have had my fare share of weird dreams, but the one I had this morning must be considered one of the most surreal dreams to date. It wasn't particularly long, just unusually odd.

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I dreamed that I was sleeping in my bed here in Korea (this is significant because I've only recently started dreaming of being Korea), and I woke up to see that there is a rooster in my bedroom. Not a particularly large rooster. A handsome little rooster trotting about in my bedroom, of the colourful South-East Asian bantam variety. Later it made itself comfortable on the little bedside (bookcase) beside my bed, standing their as if on attention. And then, it started to speak to me. It wasn't verbal communication, but rather, I'm guessing, a form of telepathy. I just understood it, as if it's thoughts just manifested within my head. It impressed upon me that I don't have to worry, it will be my bodyguard.

That's the dream.

Now usually, for a gestalt therapeutic approach to dream interpretation, you would ask yourself (or the therapist would ask you): if the object in the dream could speak (in this case the chicken), what would it say to you? Lucky for me, the object in my dream did speak: it bravely announced that it will be my bodyguard. The question is, however, what will it guard me from? When I ask this question, the answer I get is that it will guard me from what I fear. Which is what exactly? I'm not sure.

According to different cultural traditions chickens have different symbolic meanings. For instance, a chicken could suggest that “one is chicken”; i.e. cowardly, fearing something in your life; not brave enough to get something you want.

Roosters, because of their colourful plumage, may be boastful or flamboyant—this is a characteristic associated with people born in the year of the Rooster, in accordance with the Chinese Zodiac. According to Chinese tradition a chicken symbolises both pride and enlightenment. It is the chicken's pride that makes it crow the first in the morning, before any other creature. It therefore suggests bragging or showing-off, particularly roosters crowing would suggest this. (The rooster in my dream wasn't very noisy.)

However, it's crow comes with the start of day, with the first light, and therefore denotes enlightenment. The Greeks also made this connection with the sun, and for them the rooster was a symbol of the sun, and victory overthe night, and therefore associated with Apollo. On the other hand, the rooster was associated with danger and the underworld in Nordic and Celtic traditions, where it acted as a messenger of the underworld, and called out warnings.

In Christian symbolism the rooster may symbolise Peter as he had denied Christ before the rooster crowed three times. It later became a symbol for Peter's repentance and also as a warning for religious vigilance, reminding us not to deny the Lord as Peter did. Weathercocks on churches act as symbolic reminders of such vigilance and may also suggest that the rooster not only calls us to wake up, but calls us to prayer first thing in the morning.

As a time-keeper, the rooster may be symbolic of a “wake-up call”. Not merely waking us up from our literal sleep, but waking us up to specific issues in our lives.

In a Freudian sense, a rooster is obviously a phallic image—the archetypal cock. As such it is a symbol of manliness, or “cockiness”, and possibly also pride.

So what does my dream mean? I'm still left with the same question, why do I need a bodyguard? What is the rooster keeping me safe from? And why a rooster, and not something else more fierce such as a tiger? What is it that a rooster is better at protecting one against than any other creature? Or is that a wrong question? Maybe I should not assume that a chicken has any special significance in its roll as bodyguard; it might just have been the only “available” or “willing” bodyguard to keep me safe. I can't remember how I felt when the chicken announced it's assurance towards my well-being—I can't say that I felt unsafe before I noticed the chicken, but I do think I felt slightly more assured after it's brave announcement.

Of course, it may all just be a strange dream induced by indigestion because of the fruit & veggie juice I drank and bag of cherries I ate just before bedtime.

Some sources:

http://psychobabel.net/mosaic/node.php?hp=fowl
http://www.experiencefestival.com/meaning_of_dreams_about_chicken
http://www.whats-your-sign.com/symbol-meanings-of-the-rooster.html

A Dream about Misfits and Bullies

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I had a weird dream. Or should I just say that I dreamt, since all my dreams tend to be weird—I can't remember if I ever had a dream that was not somehow, somewhat abnormal.

In any case, with some fillers for it to make sense, here is what I dreamed:

I am somewhere in a public bathroom standing in front of a urinal and doing the things one do in front of urinals when about four or five boys, anything from twelve to sixteen years of age, enters and starts knocking on the door of one of the occupied toilet stalls. They obviously know who is in there—another boy—and calls him names, telling him to open the door and come out. Some of the boys even climb onto the partition and look over into the toilet stall, saying things like “the faggot is tossing” and the like.

I continue to the basin and start washing my hands, while looking at the action behind me in the reflection of the mirror. The kids seem not to be bothered by my presence. As I shake the water from my hands and start to dry them with some paper towels an adult steps in, at which one boy says excitedly, “Dad, the faggot is in here!” The man, with hair dishevelled and a beer belly, steps to the toilet door and calls to the kid inside, “Open up that door you little faggot!”

To my surprise the door actually clicks open and out steps a nerdy, somewhat goofy looking kid. Because he is a little plump and possibly big for his age it makes it a little difficult to guess his age, but I'd go with about eleven or twelve. “Now show this little faggot what we do to fucks like him,” says the adult, at which point I step forward and says, “So you're the adult coming to solve the kids' problem, are you?”

“Yes,” he answers. “Unless you are someone important who knows people in high places, you better stay out of it.”

“As a matter of fact,” replied I, “I am someone important and know many people in high places.” Even in the dream I had no idea why I considered myself important or who these people in high places are that I referred to, but nonetheless I said it without missing a beat. “Leave the kid alone.”

The guy clearly didn't like my attitude. “Fuck you,” he said, and swung at me, at which I guarded with one arm and stepped to his inside letting his fist pass me, and with my other arm I delivered two very quick elbow strikes to the side of the guys head. As his knees buckled I quickly stepped behind him, wrapped an arm around his neck into a choke-hold and pulled him backward so that he was off-balance.

“Get out,” I said sternly to the kids who started to scramble out off the room; and to the victimised boy I said, “Wait for me. I will walk with you.” I feared that the other kids might jump him outside once he is alone, so I wanted to make sure he got where he needed to get safely.

Then I turned my attention back to the guy I was holding. “Now you listen to me. If I ever hear you mistreat anybody that is somehow different from you, you better sleep very light, because I will find you and when I am finished with you, you will be the different one. Do you get me?” Nearly purple in the face, the guy nodded at which I let him go and he dropped to the floor gagging.

Touching the goofy kid on the shoulder, I led him outside.

That's the dream.

I guess my subconscious harbours some anger towards bullies.

About Eve

The last two nights I had the strangest dreams, both regarding a college sweetheart, whom for the purposes of this post I will call Eve.

In the first dream, two nights ago, I dreamed that I was flirting with Eve. Trying very hard to get her attention romantically. Although she was very cordial towards me, she just didn't show any romantic interest at all. An interesting fact is that while at university Eve was very much in love with me. However, in this dream there was not a single drop of interest.

Then this morning I dreamed of Eve again. In this dream Eve was a divorced single mother and she, her son, myself and a number of people were gathered for a social event--something like a Sunday luncheon. We were sitting at the table when Eve's boy who was around four or five years old, was behaving badly. I can't remember exactly what he did, but let's for the sake of the story say that he was banging his cutlery on the plates. I looked at him seriously and sternly said "no!". At this the boy started crying, and caused Eve to be very upset with my. "You don't have the right to discipline my child," she told me and the whole atmosphere at the social gathering suddenly became very tense, so much so that I decided it is better if I left.


I need to add that another reason these dreams are so peculiar is that Eve has been dead for a decade now. She was killed in a car accident, so we never had an opportunity to further pursue our potential relationship, and neither did she have a chance to get married and have children. An interesting side point is that my previous girlfriend is in fact a single mother. So my subconscious is here mixing two of my previous relationships, that of Eve and that of my X. The theme of the dreams is my attempt at being close to Eve, but in both dreams she pushes me away.

Eve was my first "relationship" as an adult. I had some girlfriends as a child, but Eve is the person I consider my first true relationship, even though our relationship was a little bit of a roller coaster. That my subconscious should evoke Eve to the forefront must be significant, particularly so long after her passing. But what exactly is the significance of Eve. I've come to some preliminary conclusions and am quite curious as to what is happening in the secret passages of my subconsciousness.