If God is supposedly good and almighty, why is there so much pain and suffering in the world? Or as a loved-one recently put it, what use is a God that lets such atrocities happen? This is the paradox that religions have struggled with for millennia and continue to contemplate. In theology, it is known as the Problem of Evil.
My favourite atheist Kurt Vonnegut provides a poignant solution: “There is no good reason good can’t triumph over evil, if only angels will get organized along the lines of the mafia.” I think Vonnegut, unlike most people who use the Problem of Evil to argue against the existence of (a benevolent) God, intuitively understood the impasse. As ethicist David Rodin puts it: “if one can defeat evil only by becoming evil, then it is impossible to defeat evil.” Sure, an almighty God can easily kill the evil-doers, or better yet, reach into the minds of the wicked and prevent them from acting out their malicious intentions, but while the end may justify the means the implication is horrifying. God would be the Mafia Boss, the Tyrannical Dictator, the ultimate Puppet Master. Yes, we would not have evil or pain or suffering, but neither would we be free to enjoy anything worth caring about. We’d simply be puppets in a universe void of love or liberty.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, 3 June 2017
Sunday, 21 June 2015
Ou gevoelens
Terwyl ek deur my notas gaan opsoek na 'n ou gedig wat ek lank terug begin het, maar nooit klaar gemaak het nie, kom ek op hierdie kriebels af wat ek twee jaar gelede geskryf het:
Ek is in 'n baie slegte plek op die oomblik. Vir 'n geruime tyd was ek in 'n tipe langafstandsverhouding omdat my geliefde vir langdurige tye op reis is vir werksdoeleindes. In elk geval, gister het ons ons verhoudingstatus tot slegs-vriende herskryf.
Ek het 'n verassende, tog waardevolle les geleer. Soms eindig verhoudings nie omdat mense mekaar nie genoeg lief het nie, maar omdat hulle mekaar te veel lief het. Die aard van ons verhouding en die lang tye wat ons verwyderd van mekaar was, was net te erg om te hanteer, veral aangesien ek met tyd net meer verlief raak, en meer intens lief kry. Weens 'n verskydenheid van veranderlikes (insluitende kulturele en godsdienstige verskille en ander komplikasies) het ons verhouding nie 'n volhoubare toekoms nie; 'n eventuele opbreuk is onvermydelik. Die liefdevolle ding om te doen was om dit te beëindig, want hoe langer ons aangehou het, hoe groter sou die eventuele skade aan onsself en ander om ons wees.
Ek weet dat die beëindiging van ons verhouding was die regte keuse gewees, nietemin voel ek geweldig, ongelooflik, verskriklik hartseer. Dit is so pynlik omdat dit so kosbaar was.
Ek was gister so emosioneel dat ek wou opgooi en het my oë dik gehuil. Ek huil nie oor dit die einde van ons verhouding is nie; ek huil omdat dit die einde van ons toekoms is.
Ek is in 'n baie slegte plek op die oomblik. Vir 'n geruime tyd was ek in 'n tipe langafstandsverhouding omdat my geliefde vir langdurige tye op reis is vir werksdoeleindes. In elk geval, gister het ons ons verhoudingstatus tot slegs-vriende herskryf.
Ek het 'n verassende, tog waardevolle les geleer. Soms eindig verhoudings nie omdat mense mekaar nie genoeg lief het nie, maar omdat hulle mekaar te veel lief het. Die aard van ons verhouding en die lang tye wat ons verwyderd van mekaar was, was net te erg om te hanteer, veral aangesien ek met tyd net meer verlief raak, en meer intens lief kry. Weens 'n verskydenheid van veranderlikes (insluitende kulturele en godsdienstige verskille en ander komplikasies) het ons verhouding nie 'n volhoubare toekoms nie; 'n eventuele opbreuk is onvermydelik. Die liefdevolle ding om te doen was om dit te beëindig, want hoe langer ons aangehou het, hoe groter sou die eventuele skade aan onsself en ander om ons wees.
Ek weet dat die beëindiging van ons verhouding was die regte keuse gewees, nietemin voel ek geweldig, ongelooflik, verskriklik hartseer. Dit is so pynlik omdat dit so kosbaar was.
Ek was gister so emosioneel dat ek wou opgooi en het my oë dik gehuil. Ek huil nie oor dit die einde van ons verhouding is nie; ek huil omdat dit die einde van ons toekoms is.
Ek voel alleen en as 'n buitelander nog meer so. Ek kan nie help wonder of hierdie 'n voorsmakie van my uiteinde is nie: eendag mag ek myself oud, geïsoleer, en eensaam vind.
Twee jaar later, en darem kan ek sê dat daardie erg intense hartseer verby is. Dit beteken nie dat ek nie nog steeds gevoelens vir my eks het nie. Ons opbreuk was nie een van daardie toksiese eindes nie. Ons is steeds vriende en sien mekaar so elke paar maande vir 'n ete of 'n koffie en deel graag sekere hoogtepunte met mekaar. Sedert ons verhouding geëinding het, was ek nog nie weer in 'n ernstige langtermyn verhouding nie. Daar was 'n paar pogings wat nie van die grond af gekom het nie, en toe ek met my doktorsgraad begin het, het ek ook maar besluit dit is dalk beter om nie te veel afleidings te hê nie.
Ek dink steeds terug aan daardie gebrokenheid toe ek so "geweldig, ongelooflik, verskriklik hartseer" was, en daardie groot lewensles wat ek geleer het: die paradoks dat liefde soms die motivering kan wees om 'n verhouding te eindig. Die verhouding was in baie opsigte 'n "eerste" vir my gewees. Dit was my eerste ernstige verhouding met 'n Koreaner gewees. Ook die eerste keer dat ek in 'n verhouding was met iemand van 'n ander godsdienstige oortuiging -- of eerder godsdienslose oortuiging (ateïs). En verskeie ander eerstes. Ondanks die seer, is ek bly vir die groei en insigte wat dit tot gevolg gehad het. Dit is nogal 'n herhalende lewenstema, is dit nie: pyn bring groei. Dit is nie pyn wat ek weer wil hê nie, maar ek wil ook nie stagneer in my lewenstog nie. So is die lewe...
Twee jaar later, en darem kan ek sê dat daardie erg intense hartseer verby is. Dit beteken nie dat ek nie nog steeds gevoelens vir my eks het nie. Ons opbreuk was nie een van daardie toksiese eindes nie. Ons is steeds vriende en sien mekaar so elke paar maande vir 'n ete of 'n koffie en deel graag sekere hoogtepunte met mekaar. Sedert ons verhouding geëinding het, was ek nog nie weer in 'n ernstige langtermyn verhouding nie. Daar was 'n paar pogings wat nie van die grond af gekom het nie, en toe ek met my doktorsgraad begin het, het ek ook maar besluit dit is dalk beter om nie te veel afleidings te hê nie.
Ek dink steeds terug aan daardie gebrokenheid toe ek so "geweldig, ongelooflik, verskriklik hartseer" was, en daardie groot lewensles wat ek geleer het: die paradoks dat liefde soms die motivering kan wees om 'n verhouding te eindig. Die verhouding was in baie opsigte 'n "eerste" vir my gewees. Dit was my eerste ernstige verhouding met 'n Koreaner gewees. Ook die eerste keer dat ek in 'n verhouding was met iemand van 'n ander godsdienstige oortuiging -- of eerder godsdienslose oortuiging (ateïs). En verskeie ander eerstes. Ondanks die seer, is ek bly vir die groei en insigte wat dit tot gevolg gehad het. Dit is nogal 'n herhalende lewenstema, is dit nie: pyn bring groei. Dit is nie pyn wat ek weer wil hê nie, maar ek wil ook nie stagneer in my lewenstog nie. So is die lewe...
Tuesday, 3 June 2014
Gedagtes omtrent lewensmaats
Ou gedagtes het vandag bietjie vir my gekristaliseer terwyl ek in 'n gesprek met iemand was oor wat dit is wat ek in 'n lewensmaat wil hê. Dit het my toe laat besef dat daar is moontlik twee groepe mense, met betrekking tot verwagtinge van hul lewensmaat. Die twee groepe kan basies verdeel word onder 'n “vervul”-groep en 'n “aanvul”-groep.
Aan die een kant is die vervul-groep: daardie mense wat voel dat iets in hulle lewe kortkom, dat daar is 'n leemte in hulle hart wat deur iemand vervul moet word. Dis die groep mense wat soek na 'n anderhelfte om volledig te word. Hulle vind hulle kompleetheid, vervulling, volledigheid in hulle anderhelfte. Daar is iets romanties aan die “you complete me”-idee, en dit raak ongetwyfeld die harte van vele mense, en is daarom nie sonder rede 'n tema in baie romantiese stories en films nie.
Aan die ander kant is die aanvul-groep, wat nie 'n behoefte het om vervul te word nie, en wat nie voel dat hulle onvolledig is nie, en soek gevolglik nie na iemand om hulle te kom voltooi nie. Die aanvul-groep soek eerder iemand om hulle te komplimenteer, 'n eweknie wat hulle aanvul. Hierdie mens kan onafhanklik funksioneer, maar besef ook dat die lewe beter is in 'n vennootskap; dat 'n verhouding is sinergeties, sodat die gekombineerde kragte van twee wedersydsondersteunende mense groter is as die twee afsonderlike kragte op hulle eie.
Ondanks ek al verskeie romantiese gedigte geskryf het wat die vervul-tema promofeer, besef ek dat ek in praktyk nie 'n vervul-mens is nie, maar 'n aanvul-mens. Ek soek nie iemand om my te vervul asof ek tans onvolledig is nie; ek soek nie iemand om my anderhelfte te wees, asof ek tans 'n halwe mens is nie. Ook wil ek nie iemand anders se voltooing wees nie. Ek is 'n volledige mens—met of sonder iemand in my lewe. Tog het ek 'n behoefte aan iemand as 'n getuie tot my lewe, 'n eweknie, 'n lewensmaat om die lewenspad saam te loop. Ek is van mening dat so 'n verhouding kan lei tot ware vervulling, en die vervulling is nie mekaar nie, maar iets groter. In so 'n aanvullende, ondersteunende verhouding kan die twee mekaar help om hulle individuele en gedeelde drome te behaal.
In die eersgenoemde tipe verhouding staan die twee en staar in mekaar se oë, so verlief dat niks anders saak maak nie. In die laasgenoemde tipe verhouding staan die twee hand-aan-hand langs mekaar en kyk in dieselfde rigting.
Soos ek vroeër genoem het, die eerste tipe klink nogal romanties. Die probleem wat ek met hierdie tipe verhouding het, is egter dat die twee persone hoef nie regtig goed bymekaar te pas nie—hulle hoef slegs op mekaar verlief te wees. Ongelukkig waai die verliefdheid oor, en wat dan? Ek dink byvoorbeeld aan my ouers wat getrou het omdat hulle verlief was, maar nie omdat hulle noodwendig goeie (lewens-)maats was nie. Met die jare aan het hulle gevind dat hulle nie veel in gemeen het nie. Ek weet nie van my pa nie, maar ek weet my ma het vir dele van haar huwelik baie alleen gevoel. Dit was nie dat hulle nie lief was vir mekaar nie. Dit was bloot dat hulle nie werklik maats was nie. In my opinie is dit beter om alleen te wees, as om saam met iemand te wees en alleen te voel. Ek is seker toe my ouers getrou het, het hulle in mekaar se oë gekyk en gedink dat solank hulle mekaar het, sal dit genoeg wees. Dit is eenvoudig nie die geval nie. 'n Mens moet nie 'n ander persoon die bron van jou geluk maak nie. Geen mens kan daardie verantwoordelik dra nie.
My idee van 'n ideale verhouding (indien so iets bestaan) is nie twee halwe mense wat mekaar heel maak nie, maar twee heel mense wat mekaar komplimenteer. Dis nie twee mense wat verskillende note van dieselfde melodie sing om een volledige deuntjie te maak nie, maar eerder twee mense wat verskillende note in dieselfde sleutel sing—wat in harmonie sing.
Ek hoop so 'n verhouding is ook vir my beskore, maar indien nie, gaan die lewe aan. Ek sou verkies om 'n duet te sing, maar ek gaan nie ophou sing terwyl ek alleen is nie.
Aan die een kant is die vervul-groep: daardie mense wat voel dat iets in hulle lewe kortkom, dat daar is 'n leemte in hulle hart wat deur iemand vervul moet word. Dis die groep mense wat soek na 'n anderhelfte om volledig te word. Hulle vind hulle kompleetheid, vervulling, volledigheid in hulle anderhelfte. Daar is iets romanties aan die “you complete me”-idee, en dit raak ongetwyfeld die harte van vele mense, en is daarom nie sonder rede 'n tema in baie romantiese stories en films nie.
Aan die ander kant is die aanvul-groep, wat nie 'n behoefte het om vervul te word nie, en wat nie voel dat hulle onvolledig is nie, en soek gevolglik nie na iemand om hulle te kom voltooi nie. Die aanvul-groep soek eerder iemand om hulle te komplimenteer, 'n eweknie wat hulle aanvul. Hierdie mens kan onafhanklik funksioneer, maar besef ook dat die lewe beter is in 'n vennootskap; dat 'n verhouding is sinergeties, sodat die gekombineerde kragte van twee wedersydsondersteunende mense groter is as die twee afsonderlike kragte op hulle eie.
Ondanks ek al verskeie romantiese gedigte geskryf het wat die vervul-tema promofeer, besef ek dat ek in praktyk nie 'n vervul-mens is nie, maar 'n aanvul-mens. Ek soek nie iemand om my te vervul asof ek tans onvolledig is nie; ek soek nie iemand om my anderhelfte te wees, asof ek tans 'n halwe mens is nie. Ook wil ek nie iemand anders se voltooing wees nie. Ek is 'n volledige mens—met of sonder iemand in my lewe. Tog het ek 'n behoefte aan iemand as 'n getuie tot my lewe, 'n eweknie, 'n lewensmaat om die lewenspad saam te loop. Ek is van mening dat so 'n verhouding kan lei tot ware vervulling, en die vervulling is nie mekaar nie, maar iets groter. In so 'n aanvullende, ondersteunende verhouding kan die twee mekaar help om hulle individuele en gedeelde drome te behaal.
In die eersgenoemde tipe verhouding staan die twee en staar in mekaar se oë, so verlief dat niks anders saak maak nie. In die laasgenoemde tipe verhouding staan die twee hand-aan-hand langs mekaar en kyk in dieselfde rigting.
Soos ek vroeër genoem het, die eerste tipe klink nogal romanties. Die probleem wat ek met hierdie tipe verhouding het, is egter dat die twee persone hoef nie regtig goed bymekaar te pas nie—hulle hoef slegs op mekaar verlief te wees. Ongelukkig waai die verliefdheid oor, en wat dan? Ek dink byvoorbeeld aan my ouers wat getrou het omdat hulle verlief was, maar nie omdat hulle noodwendig goeie (lewens-)maats was nie. Met die jare aan het hulle gevind dat hulle nie veel in gemeen het nie. Ek weet nie van my pa nie, maar ek weet my ma het vir dele van haar huwelik baie alleen gevoel. Dit was nie dat hulle nie lief was vir mekaar nie. Dit was bloot dat hulle nie werklik maats was nie. In my opinie is dit beter om alleen te wees, as om saam met iemand te wees en alleen te voel. Ek is seker toe my ouers getrou het, het hulle in mekaar se oë gekyk en gedink dat solank hulle mekaar het, sal dit genoeg wees. Dit is eenvoudig nie die geval nie. 'n Mens moet nie 'n ander persoon die bron van jou geluk maak nie. Geen mens kan daardie verantwoordelik dra nie.
My idee van 'n ideale verhouding (indien so iets bestaan) is nie twee halwe mense wat mekaar heel maak nie, maar twee heel mense wat mekaar komplimenteer. Dis nie twee mense wat verskillende note van dieselfde melodie sing om een volledige deuntjie te maak nie, maar eerder twee mense wat verskillende note in dieselfde sleutel sing—wat in harmonie sing.
Ek hoop so 'n verhouding is ook vir my beskore, maar indien nie, gaan die lewe aan. Ek sou verkies om 'n duet te sing, maar ek gaan nie ophou sing terwyl ek alleen is nie.
Monday, 5 May 2014
Some Things I Did in April
April... flower season in Korea:
I hosted a knife fighting seminar, presented by Thomas Locke.
I attended a traditional Korean music concert, which was very good.
I also went to a Korean musical, Seopyeonje, about pansori (Korean folk opera) with one of my Korean brothers:
I had my 5th degree black belt promotional testing with Grandmaster Park Jong Su, one of the pioneers of Taekwon-Do, and one of only a handful of people still alive from the time that Taekwon-Do just started in the 1950s.
Also spent some time with other great martial artists.
Work-wise I prepared four exam papers for midterm -- still busy grading them. Taught William Blake and William Wordsworth in March and did Samuel Taylor Coleridge in April. Started with Lord (George) Byron in May -- next up is Percy Bysshe Shelley. Covered a number of essays, short stories and one-act plays by great writers, including George Orwell, H. G. Wells, and Pound. Also in April we covered West Side Story and Shakespeare in Love in my film class.
Study-wise I've prepared a presentation which I'll present next Monday on Guerrilla Marketing, and have been working on my dissertation outline, while reading some old books on the Samurai, interspersed with reading on Korean dance.
Oh, and I voted. Went to the embassy in Seoul to do so.
Had some interesting, if not cliched "it's complicated" love-life moments. (At least there has been some great kissing.)
Cannot say that my life is boring. Busy. Complicated. But not boring.
I hosted a knife fighting seminar, presented by Thomas Locke.
I attended a traditional Korean music concert, which was very good.
I also went to a Korean musical, Seopyeonje, about pansori (Korean folk opera) with one of my Korean brothers:
I had my 5th degree black belt promotional testing with Grandmaster Park Jong Su, one of the pioneers of Taekwon-Do, and one of only a handful of people still alive from the time that Taekwon-Do just started in the 1950s.
Also spent some time with other great martial artists.
Work-wise I prepared four exam papers for midterm -- still busy grading them. Taught William Blake and William Wordsworth in March and did Samuel Taylor Coleridge in April. Started with Lord (George) Byron in May -- next up is Percy Bysshe Shelley. Covered a number of essays, short stories and one-act plays by great writers, including George Orwell, H. G. Wells, and Pound. Also in April we covered West Side Story and Shakespeare in Love in my film class.
Study-wise I've prepared a presentation which I'll present next Monday on Guerrilla Marketing, and have been working on my dissertation outline, while reading some old books on the Samurai, interspersed with reading on Korean dance.
Oh, and I voted. Went to the embassy in Seoul to do so.
Had some interesting, if not cliched "it's complicated" love-life moments. (At least there has been some great kissing.)
Cannot say that my life is boring. Busy. Complicated. But not boring.
Monday, 6 January 2014
My Romantic Life
Me: "How about lunch on Sunday, and afterwards we go to a museum or a bookshop or a place with excellent hot chocolate, or all of the above?"
She: "Wow, Sunday sounds gorgeous. I am a little hesitant though. It sounds romantic, and romance is not my intention at the time. I'd really like to get to know you better by spending time with you without expectations. So if you're up for that Sunday afternoon sounds great."
My first reaction to her reply was slight disappointment, wondering if I've just been put into the friend zone, but then it dawned on me -- I think I have just received one of the greatest compliments ever.
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| Me being very at home in a bookstore in South Africa, 2008 |
I was quite pleasantly surprised when I discovered that my every day life, the normal regular things I enjoy doing, is considered romantic. I never thought of my lifestyle as being particularly romantic, but I quite happily accept the compliment. Who wants a boring ol' regular life if you can have a romantic life instead?
Let's raise our (non-alcoholic) glasses to doing the things we love. Cheers!
Thursday, 27 June 2013
I'm a Negotiator
I watched a TED Talk in which the biological anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher discusses "The Brain in Love". Towards the end of the talk she discusses four temperament types and their attractions (or non-attractions) towards each other. You can read about it in a PDF here: "We have chemistry! – the role of four primary temperament dimensions in mate choice and partner compatibility".
Always curious to find out more about myself, and having recently come out of a relationship still trying to understand the dynamics of what happened, I decided to log into her dating website Chemistry.Com and go do the temperament dimensions test.
There are four temperaments: Director, Builder, Negotiator, and Explorer. I score highest for Negotiator, followed by Explorer.
This is what the test have to say about me:
As a Negotiator [Your primary type]
You are imaginative. You are emotionally expressive and share your feelings. The big picture is what interests you most, and you like to assemble facts and focus on larger concepts. When you make decisions, you often think things through very carefully, weighing all the options before deciding what to do. People are important to you and you prefer to build intimate attachments with others, connecting on a deeply personal level.
Agreeable and unassuming, you can be very intuitive, and you generally prefer win-win situations that protect social harmony. You are very good at reading people, and this includes facial expressions as well as vocal inflections. You excel at what scientists call synthesizing, which means you collect lots of data and then find patterns that lead to larger concepts.
Things Negotiators should be aware of:
Because they can see so many angles to an issue or decision, they can be indecisive. Their need to please can make them placating and their trusting nature can make them gullible. When they feel betrayed they can be unforgiving and hold a grudge too long.
When you add Explorer [Your secondary type]
You tend to be curious and creative, optimistic and generous. You have lots of energy and you like to spend your time seeking out new things. You avoid routine and really enjoy surprises. You’re creative and curious and flexible, which makes you very adaptable to almost any situation.
Things Explorers should be aware of:
hey are so mentally flexible and spontaneous that they can appear indecisive and unpredictable. They tend to be impatient with cautious people or those with more rigid views of morality. They focus on many things at a time.
I'm very much in agreement with most of the result. I am indeed imaginative; creative; emotionally expressive (I write poetry after all); intuitive; concerned with the big picture and looking at things from different angles; am more interested in deep, intimate relationships; curious and flexible. And the negatives also apply: I can be so overwhelmed with different aspects of a problem that it could make me indecisive; I always have too many things on my plate; and I do get irritated with rigid views -- the older I get the less black and white the world is to me.
It was an interesting exercise. Whether I will actually make use of Chemistry.Com to find a partner, I very much doubt. Firstly because the site is chiefly catering for Americans. Secondly, my love languages are quality time and affection, neither of which makes online dating a particularly attractive option for me.
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| Image Source |
There are four temperaments: Director, Builder, Negotiator, and Explorer. I score highest for Negotiator, followed by Explorer.
This is what the test have to say about me:
As a Negotiator [Your primary type]
You are imaginative. You are emotionally expressive and share your feelings. The big picture is what interests you most, and you like to assemble facts and focus on larger concepts. When you make decisions, you often think things through very carefully, weighing all the options before deciding what to do. People are important to you and you prefer to build intimate attachments with others, connecting on a deeply personal level.
Agreeable and unassuming, you can be very intuitive, and you generally prefer win-win situations that protect social harmony. You are very good at reading people, and this includes facial expressions as well as vocal inflections. You excel at what scientists call synthesizing, which means you collect lots of data and then find patterns that lead to larger concepts.
Things Negotiators should be aware of:
Because they can see so many angles to an issue or decision, they can be indecisive. Their need to please can make them placating and their trusting nature can make them gullible. When they feel betrayed they can be unforgiving and hold a grudge too long.
When you add Explorer [Your secondary type]
You tend to be curious and creative, optimistic and generous. You have lots of energy and you like to spend your time seeking out new things. You avoid routine and really enjoy surprises. You’re creative and curious and flexible, which makes you very adaptable to almost any situation.
Things Explorers should be aware of:
hey are so mentally flexible and spontaneous that they can appear indecisive and unpredictable. They tend to be impatient with cautious people or those with more rigid views of morality. They focus on many things at a time.
I'm very much in agreement with most of the result. I am indeed imaginative; creative; emotionally expressive (I write poetry after all); intuitive; concerned with the big picture and looking at things from different angles; am more interested in deep, intimate relationships; curious and flexible. And the negatives also apply: I can be so overwhelmed with different aspects of a problem that it could make me indecisive; I always have too many things on my plate; and I do get irritated with rigid views -- the older I get the less black and white the world is to me.
It was an interesting exercise. Whether I will actually make use of Chemistry.Com to find a partner, I very much doubt. Firstly because the site is chiefly catering for Americans. Secondly, my love languages are quality time and affection, neither of which makes online dating a particularly attractive option for me.
Saturday, 1 June 2013
A Lesson on Love
Today I learned that one can end a relationship not because you love someone too little, but because you love them too much.
It is one of the most interesting life lessons I have learned so far.
Thursday, 27 September 2012
To a passing creep
This week we have been discussing the work of Walt Whitman in my 19th & 20th Century American Poetry class. We looked at three poems: "I Sing the Body Electric" (my favourite), "I saw in Louisiana a live-oak growing" and "To a Stranger". It was while discussing "To a Stranger" today that it suddenly reminded me of a music video I saw long ago of Radiohead's song "Creep". The video illustrated the theme of fleeting encounters and lost connections. I asked the students if they believe in love at first sight. They responded inconclusively. I don't. Not love. Lust at first sight, yes, or infatuation at first sight. As I explained to a friend recently, I fall in love all the time, but I seldom lose my heart.
Whitman's poem is below and below that the video.
To a Stranger
Passing stranger! you do not know
How longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking,
Or she I was seeking
It comes to me as a dream)
I have somewhere surely
Lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other,
Fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,
You grew up with me,
Were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become
not yours only nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes,
face, flesh as we pass,
You take of my beard, breast, hands,
in return,
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you
when I sit alone or wake at night, alone
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.
I translated this poem into Afrikaans a while ago.
Whitman's poem is below and below that the video.
To a Stranger
Passing stranger! you do not know
How longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking,
Or she I was seeking
It comes to me as a dream)
I have somewhere surely
Lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other,
Fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,
You grew up with me,
Were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become
not yours only nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes,
face, flesh as we pass,
You take of my beard, breast, hands,
in return,
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you
when I sit alone or wake at night, alone
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.
I translated this poem into Afrikaans a while ago.
Monday, 2 July 2012
Seven Things I Want in a Partner -- No, Make That Eight Things
"21 Things I Want in a Lover" is a song by Alanis Morissette in which she list different qualities that she would like her partner to have. I like the idea of such a list and agrees with Alanis not only on many of the characteristics that she mentions, but also such a list is itself quite appropriate because, after all, "I have a choice in the matter." But a good friend of mine Skyped me the other day. She is in her 60s and never got married. She warned me quite seriously that I should not be too picky because we all have a "dating shelf life" and soon I might wake up and find myself much less marketable. Another elderly female friend had a similar warning, saying that it is easier to find someone if you are in your mid-life if you had had a wife before; i.e. if you are a widower or divorcee. She explained that if a man reaches a certain age (which apparently I'm swiftly approaching) without having gotten married yet, women think that there must be something wrong with him, otherwise he would have been "caught" long ago.
So while I could easily make my own list of 21 Things recent circumstances, including platonic and intimate encounters, have forced me to rethink what it is I want from a life partner.
#1 Respect
One important thing, I realised, is respect. I am not talking here of respect in the patriarchal man-as-head-of-the-house type of respect. I'm merely talking about respect of me as an individual. Respect admits that I am a free agent. If my partner respects me for who I am, then my partner will never force me to do things I'm not comfortable with, at the same time will my partner try and allow me the freedom to do those things that are important to me. In the past I used to think it of absolute importance that my partner and I have the same religion and ideas about God. I've come to understand now that respecting my views and allowing me to live out my faith is actually more important than sharing my ideas about God. A person can share your religious views, but still hinder your spiritual progress if the person do not respect you and where you are on your spiritual journey. Similarly, I used to think that my partner and I ought to share the same dietary preferences, keeping in mind that I'm mostly vegetarian. But I've seen a number of healthy relationships where one partner is a vegetarian and the other is not, and the relationship is still successful because the two respect each others preferences. Respect, I now believe, is absolutely crucial for a truely healthy relationship. It goes without saying, of course, that the respect should be mutual. I should have the same type of respect towards my partner as my partner has for me.
#2 Unconditional, non-judgemental love
The other thing, which goes hand in hand with respect, is unconditional, non-judgemental love. Most people do not truly love, in the purest sense of the word. True love is unconditional. Unconditional love, I believe, is the only true form of love, for it is wholly unselfish. It is a love that unfetters, rather than restricts, that makes free, rather than imprison. This is the type of love trusts; it is not jealous. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity or selfishness -- both characteristics of an immature, false love. A "love" that is inward focussed, rather than outward focussed. True love, also, does not judge. Non-judgemental acceptance, I have realised, is probably the most redeeming quality in a person that I admire. The individuals I care for most, the people I truly allow into the deepest layers of my soul, are those I know will love me regardless of my worst secrets, my most foul blemishes. Since I have such individuals in my life already, I don't need judgemental individuals in my circle and I definitely do not want such a person as my life partner. An unconditional, non-judgemental partner will always think the best of me. For example, were I to say something that my partner thought insulting, my partner will think that I have maybe miscommunicated, and instead of going on the defensive, will try and resolve the misunderstanding. This type of love requires a self-knowledge and maturity that comes with experience, I know. Again, as I hope to receive such unconditional, non-judgemental love, I expect of myself to give it too because, again to quote Alanis "This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is."
#3 Humbleness
Humbleness is another characteristic that I have always found very attractive. Humbleness is not to be confused with a bad self-esteem or a low self-image. In fact, it is particularly those individuals that are both confident and humble whom I find particularly attractive. Humbleness is the ability to admit when one is wrong, to say thank you for a compliment without becoming proud or boasting, to be thankful for one's blessings.
#4 Honesty
Another characteristic that I believe to be of utmost importance in the person I hope to share my life with is honesty. Yes, truth often hurts, but if conveyed in respect and love and with a humble attitude it is a wonderful balm. There are times, of course, when truth should be withheld until the hearer is at a place to hear it, and this requires sensitivity and wisdom. While I can accept the former, deliberate deception and falsehoods (lies) are poisons that never has a place in a loving relationship. I truly do not believe that we have to say everything, have to share everything with our partners. The Principle of Respect, already mentioned, requires me to accept it with love and trust if my partner feel not to divulge some things to me. I should trust my partner to share with me those things that I need to know. Respect and unconditional love should make room for untold things. At the same time, non-judgemental love should accept whatever my partner does wish to share with me. I do, however, believe that there are some things that need to be said, some secrets that cannot be kept, but I believe each person should be free to decide what that is for themselves, and that they should listen to their conscious and to the promptings of the Divine Spirit on such matters.
#5 Sexual attraction
It is an unfortunate necessity that I should include a carnal aspect on this list, but mutual sexual attraction is important. I am very much a sexual creatures and although I have found deep heart-to-heart connection to somewhat defer my sexual urges, they do not replace this primary bodily need. It might be that as I grow older this requirement will diminish, but to be honest, as of yet, I can get just as lustful as I when I was an adolescent, and since I try to keep a healthy and active lifestyle I do not foresee this to change dramatically in the next couple of decades.
#6 Appreciation of creativity
A creative sense is, for my particular constitution, a must. In the past I might have expected my partner to also be creative and artistic as myself, but I do not hold this as a standard any more, as long as my partner has an appreciation for creativity. Notice that I'm not saying a mere appreciation for art. No, it must be an appreciation for the artistic impulse -- my partner will, after all, be living with an artist and us artists can become quite odd at times. We go through seasons of strangeness (melancholy, mania, apathy, bliss, etc.), that doesn't befall other people to the same frequency. Although I'm quite a "balanced" creative soul, a mere indulgence of an artist's creative waves may not be enough, I think, to live with one. It needs to be an understanding -- an appreciation -- of the creative mind and its cycles. To put it in the words of Alison Krauss: "Some folks seem to think I only got one problem: I can't find nobody as crazy as me."
#7 Comfortable friendship
A comfortable friendship is an often overlooked quality, but it is a crucial one. After all, it is the thing that will make us want to spend time with each other and be comfortable in each others space.
#8 Inspirational
After contemplating my list of seven things over a couple of days, I came to the conclusion that there is another quality I wish for in a life partner: my partner should inspire me to be a better person. The key word here is inspire. People can tell you to be better, nag you to be better, try and manipulate you to be better, but such attempts at changing someone will only cause superficial changes. I have no interest in such a relationship, which would of course be against my earlier point of unconditional, non-judgemental love. No, my partner's love for me, and my partner's own life and example ought to be the things that inspire me. If your partner inspires you to personal betterment, how can that not be a good thing, a good relationship?
For now this is my short list of qualities I want in a partner, mightily reduced from my previous check-list that my friend warned me against, and which, according to her, made me much too picky. I think, however, that this shorter list doesn't make it any less difficult to find a match! *sigh*
Of course, there are other things that will create the initial spark, for instance a beautiful smile, diverse interests, a sense of humour, a healthy lifestyle, nice legs . . . but let me stop here before I start making check lists again!
So while I could easily make my own list of 21 Things recent circumstances, including platonic and intimate encounters, have forced me to rethink what it is I want from a life partner.
#1 Respect
One important thing, I realised, is respect. I am not talking here of respect in the patriarchal man-as-head-of-the-house type of respect. I'm merely talking about respect of me as an individual. Respect admits that I am a free agent. If my partner respects me for who I am, then my partner will never force me to do things I'm not comfortable with, at the same time will my partner try and allow me the freedom to do those things that are important to me. In the past I used to think it of absolute importance that my partner and I have the same religion and ideas about God. I've come to understand now that respecting my views and allowing me to live out my faith is actually more important than sharing my ideas about God. A person can share your religious views, but still hinder your spiritual progress if the person do not respect you and where you are on your spiritual journey. Similarly, I used to think that my partner and I ought to share the same dietary preferences, keeping in mind that I'm mostly vegetarian. But I've seen a number of healthy relationships where one partner is a vegetarian and the other is not, and the relationship is still successful because the two respect each others preferences. Respect, I now believe, is absolutely crucial for a truely healthy relationship. It goes without saying, of course, that the respect should be mutual. I should have the same type of respect towards my partner as my partner has for me.
#2 Unconditional, non-judgemental love
The other thing, which goes hand in hand with respect, is unconditional, non-judgemental love. Most people do not truly love, in the purest sense of the word. True love is unconditional. Unconditional love, I believe, is the only true form of love, for it is wholly unselfish. It is a love that unfetters, rather than restricts, that makes free, rather than imprison. This is the type of love trusts; it is not jealous. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity or selfishness -- both characteristics of an immature, false love. A "love" that is inward focussed, rather than outward focussed. True love, also, does not judge. Non-judgemental acceptance, I have realised, is probably the most redeeming quality in a person that I admire. The individuals I care for most, the people I truly allow into the deepest layers of my soul, are those I know will love me regardless of my worst secrets, my most foul blemishes. Since I have such individuals in my life already, I don't need judgemental individuals in my circle and I definitely do not want such a person as my life partner. An unconditional, non-judgemental partner will always think the best of me. For example, were I to say something that my partner thought insulting, my partner will think that I have maybe miscommunicated, and instead of going on the defensive, will try and resolve the misunderstanding. This type of love requires a self-knowledge and maturity that comes with experience, I know. Again, as I hope to receive such unconditional, non-judgemental love, I expect of myself to give it too because, again to quote Alanis "This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is."
#3 Humbleness
Humbleness is another characteristic that I have always found very attractive. Humbleness is not to be confused with a bad self-esteem or a low self-image. In fact, it is particularly those individuals that are both confident and humble whom I find particularly attractive. Humbleness is the ability to admit when one is wrong, to say thank you for a compliment without becoming proud or boasting, to be thankful for one's blessings.
#4 Honesty
Another characteristic that I believe to be of utmost importance in the person I hope to share my life with is honesty. Yes, truth often hurts, but if conveyed in respect and love and with a humble attitude it is a wonderful balm. There are times, of course, when truth should be withheld until the hearer is at a place to hear it, and this requires sensitivity and wisdom. While I can accept the former, deliberate deception and falsehoods (lies) are poisons that never has a place in a loving relationship. I truly do not believe that we have to say everything, have to share everything with our partners. The Principle of Respect, already mentioned, requires me to accept it with love and trust if my partner feel not to divulge some things to me. I should trust my partner to share with me those things that I need to know. Respect and unconditional love should make room for untold things. At the same time, non-judgemental love should accept whatever my partner does wish to share with me. I do, however, believe that there are some things that need to be said, some secrets that cannot be kept, but I believe each person should be free to decide what that is for themselves, and that they should listen to their conscious and to the promptings of the Divine Spirit on such matters.
#5 Sexual attraction
It is an unfortunate necessity that I should include a carnal aspect on this list, but mutual sexual attraction is important. I am very much a sexual creatures and although I have found deep heart-to-heart connection to somewhat defer my sexual urges, they do not replace this primary bodily need. It might be that as I grow older this requirement will diminish, but to be honest, as of yet, I can get just as lustful as I when I was an adolescent, and since I try to keep a healthy and active lifestyle I do not foresee this to change dramatically in the next couple of decades.
#6 Appreciation of creativity
A creative sense is, for my particular constitution, a must. In the past I might have expected my partner to also be creative and artistic as myself, but I do not hold this as a standard any more, as long as my partner has an appreciation for creativity. Notice that I'm not saying a mere appreciation for art. No, it must be an appreciation for the artistic impulse -- my partner will, after all, be living with an artist and us artists can become quite odd at times. We go through seasons of strangeness (melancholy, mania, apathy, bliss, etc.), that doesn't befall other people to the same frequency. Although I'm quite a "balanced" creative soul, a mere indulgence of an artist's creative waves may not be enough, I think, to live with one. It needs to be an understanding -- an appreciation -- of the creative mind and its cycles. To put it in the words of Alison Krauss: "Some folks seem to think I only got one problem: I can't find nobody as crazy as me."
#7 Comfortable friendship
A comfortable friendship is an often overlooked quality, but it is a crucial one. After all, it is the thing that will make us want to spend time with each other and be comfortable in each others space.
#8 Inspirational
After contemplating my list of seven things over a couple of days, I came to the conclusion that there is another quality I wish for in a life partner: my partner should inspire me to be a better person. The key word here is inspire. People can tell you to be better, nag you to be better, try and manipulate you to be better, but such attempts at changing someone will only cause superficial changes. I have no interest in such a relationship, which would of course be against my earlier point of unconditional, non-judgemental love. No, my partner's love for me, and my partner's own life and example ought to be the things that inspire me. If your partner inspires you to personal betterment, how can that not be a good thing, a good relationship?
For now this is my short list of qualities I want in a partner, mightily reduced from my previous check-list that my friend warned me against, and which, according to her, made me much too picky. I think, however, that this shorter list doesn't make it any less difficult to find a match! *sigh*
Of course, there are other things that will create the initial spark, for instance a beautiful smile, diverse interests, a sense of humour, a healthy lifestyle, nice legs . . . but let me stop here before I start making check lists again!
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Deceased Girlfriends
I read somewhere that Adam Young of Owl City wrote the song "Vanilla Twilight" while mourning for his girlfriend that was killed in a car crash. Making art to work through ones grief is an effective way to mourn and try and make sense of the tragedy. After my girlfriend was killed in a car crash I also turned to art. The first thing I made was a blue leafed tulip that I constructed out of wire. Tulips were her favourite flower, and she once mentioned the idea of blue tulips to me. I placed the flower on her coffin. Afterwards I wrote numerous poems about her and about her death, all in Afrikaans, because she had such a great love of the language. In fact, I think it is her love of Afrikaans that inspired me to write more in Afrikaans and now Afrikaans has become the language I prefer to write poetry in. She passed away at such a young age, only 21, and I had only known her for about four years, yet the influences she had on my life are long lasting. My appreciation of music is forever altered, my appreciation of the poetic quality of Afrikaans forever set, my sense of aesthetics forever enhanced. It is sad when we lose someone, but the ways in which they touched us need not be lost. We can remember them by taking the things we received from them, and living them out in beautiful, personal ways.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
I'm In Love With Colin Clark
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| The characters "Marylin Monroe" and "Colin Clark" in the film My Week with Marylin (2011). |
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| Monica Bellucci |
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| Claire Forlani in Boys and Girls (2000) |
C. S. Lewis supports my distinction between “in love with” and lust. In his explication on this topic in his book The Four Loves, he differentiates between Eros and Venus. He argues that sexuality (Venus) may operate without Eros (“being in love”) or as part of Eros. While the state of Venus is purely sexual (which I merely refer to as “lust”), Eros is “simply a delightful pre-occupation with the Beloved”. He continues to explain that:
“A man in this state really hasn't the leisure to think of sex. He is too busy thinking of a person. The fact that she is a woman is far less important than the fact that she is herself. He is full of desire, but the desire may not be sexually toned.”
Concerning Venus, Lewis argues that the focus is on “it, the thing [sex] in itself” while “Eros wants the Beloved.”
So I agree; there is a difference between being in love and lusting. The former is not by default sexual; while the latter does not necessarily mean that there is anything more to it than just sex. Hearts are too often broken because to the one their relation meant something profound and beautiful, while to the other the companion was merely a vehicle for “the thing in itself”.
And so when I am “in love with” women or sometimes men, with fictional characters on pages in books or as projections on screens, with new friends, with kittens, even with sexy cars, it is seldom—if ever—sexual. “A man in this state really hasn't the leisure to think of sex,” for one is too delightfully pre-occupied with the object in her or his or its totality.
It has been weeks since I watched My Week with Marylin and Eddie Redmayne as Colin Clark; and as is the case with both “in love with” and lust, they both pass.
Friday, 9 March 2012
The Year in Which I Was Supposed to Get Married
When I was young I always imagined an ideal age for getting married. This year, in a short time, that age will have arrived. Any earlier than this age, I had always thought, is too early; one is too immature. At this particular age I am supposed to be sufficiently mature to take on the responsibilities of husband and father, or so I thought. But having reached it, I realize that it is not a fear of responsibility that prevents me from getting hitched. It has more to do with having waited too long. As time went by I've become more and more independent. I especially realized it with my X—when she in one conversation said to me that I do not need her. While I did not admit it to her out loud, I knew she was correct. Had she pushed me on the topic I would have had to admit: “Yes, I do not need you. I do not need another person to be a complete and fulfilled human being.”
I've always felt that a healthy relationship is not one where two people “complete” each other. Rather, it is two whole people that come together, find each other compatible, and in their respective wholeness create synergy together. However, for such people to come together and create such synergy, they have to at least have a longing—a need—for such companionship. But here is the thing, I do not feel particularly lonely and if I'm truly honest with myself then my occasional longing is more based on lust, than on an urge for companionship.
Yes, there are moments, infrequent moments, when I travel in some exotic place and have some novel experience or enjoy some exquisite scene; in such moments I do feel a need to share these pleasures with a loved one. But a friend could be an equally suitable substitute, maybe even more so than a lover. In any case, such moments are a handful a year. Hardly a big enough issue to make me even search for a travel companion. When I've set my mind on something, be it traveling to another country or watching a movie at the local cinema, I'm not going to wait around for someone else before I do it.
Where does this leave me? Over the last two or three years I've started to consider life as a perpetual bachelor. I'm at an age in my life where I feel a need to think about my eventual old age, about retirement, and so on. I have began looking into retirement options, particularly countries to retire in. One has to start early on such things, you cannot wait until old age have caught you off guard. If you are going to retire somewhere, it's better to settle into the place sometime before your actual date of retirement. In searching for such places, some points of concern have come up. There are particular questions that I ask myself: Is this country, this city, this neighborhood old-person friendly? Are there good medical services? Are they easily accessible for a weak old person that lives alone? Can an old person easily get by on the public transportation system? How far will my retirement savings stretch here? These are the questions of a single person; of someone that has come to terms with the possibility of staying unmarried.
Yet, it is not that I am in principle against marriage. I think marriage can be a wonderfully beautiful thing. If I were to meet a person that is compatible to my idiosyncrasies, someone who shares a similar world view, similar values, someone with whom I also feel a sexual connection, then I could imagine myself in such a unity. The problem is just that because I do not feel incomplete as I am at present, I do not feel a particular drive to go out and search for someone that may or may not be “the one.”
Someone told me the other day that because I have so many good friends their combined force fulfill all my relationship needs. I may be a little bit sexually frustrated (friends and sex have never mixed very well for me), but that is not enough reason for me to get married. Taking on a serious relationship just for the sex is a very superficial and selfish reason—dare I say, even an immoral reason—to engage in a serious relationship. I have good friends, it is true. I feel very blessed for it, and do not take them for granted. She could be right. Since I do have many good friends, I feel enough love from my loved ones, that I do not feel a need to for such love from a single source.
It would have been easy if I could blame someone or something: my parents or my circumstances that forced me into early independence, causing me to think of dependency on others as a weakness. One of the big expectations I have of myself is that I should not be a burden on someone. In one sense it is a ridiculous expectation as I do not hold other people to this standard. If one cares for someone, such burdens, though difficult, is something you carry with gladly. A mother that nurtures a terminally ill child sees her duties not as an unbearable burden, but as an act of love. While difficult, love makes it unthinkable not to carry the burden. In similar manner I also try to carry the “burden” of those I love when circumstances call for it. Why do I not want to allow another to carry the same burden for me?
Is this then part of the problem? Don't I think myself worthy to be a burden—worthy of love? Worthy of devotion? It irritates me, to be honest. While I enjoy flattery just as much as the next guy, devotion—overt, ardor of the romantic kind—irks me. I've even said it to a lady once while I was sick and she attempted to take care of me: “Stop mothering me!” Am I just suffering from a form of manly pride that sees the acceptance of such care as weakness. In other words, am I too proud to accept the complete care of a spouse? Of this one has to be careful! There is a reason the Christian thinkers through the ages concur that pride is the worst of sins.
Yet, is the mere existence of this essay not a testament to the fact that at least one part of me wonders about the possibility of a romantic, synergy evoking companionship? Clearly it is issue enough for me to take the time to contemplate it and put electronic ink to digital paper.
I'm going on a date next week. I have few expectations. I'm just going for the fun of it. Now that I've moved my Tuesday night Taekwon-Do training to Monday nights, I have the night free to enjoy other things. Going on a date sounds like a good way to enjoy a Tuesday night. It will be a couple of days after my birthday—in the year in which I was supposed to get married.
I've always felt that a healthy relationship is not one where two people “complete” each other. Rather, it is two whole people that come together, find each other compatible, and in their respective wholeness create synergy together. However, for such people to come together and create such synergy, they have to at least have a longing—a need—for such companionship. But here is the thing, I do not feel particularly lonely and if I'm truly honest with myself then my occasional longing is more based on lust, than on an urge for companionship.
Yes, there are moments, infrequent moments, when I travel in some exotic place and have some novel experience or enjoy some exquisite scene; in such moments I do feel a need to share these pleasures with a loved one. But a friend could be an equally suitable substitute, maybe even more so than a lover. In any case, such moments are a handful a year. Hardly a big enough issue to make me even search for a travel companion. When I've set my mind on something, be it traveling to another country or watching a movie at the local cinema, I'm not going to wait around for someone else before I do it.
Where does this leave me? Over the last two or three years I've started to consider life as a perpetual bachelor. I'm at an age in my life where I feel a need to think about my eventual old age, about retirement, and so on. I have began looking into retirement options, particularly countries to retire in. One has to start early on such things, you cannot wait until old age have caught you off guard. If you are going to retire somewhere, it's better to settle into the place sometime before your actual date of retirement. In searching for such places, some points of concern have come up. There are particular questions that I ask myself: Is this country, this city, this neighborhood old-person friendly? Are there good medical services? Are they easily accessible for a weak old person that lives alone? Can an old person easily get by on the public transportation system? How far will my retirement savings stretch here? These are the questions of a single person; of someone that has come to terms with the possibility of staying unmarried.
Yet, it is not that I am in principle against marriage. I think marriage can be a wonderfully beautiful thing. If I were to meet a person that is compatible to my idiosyncrasies, someone who shares a similar world view, similar values, someone with whom I also feel a sexual connection, then I could imagine myself in such a unity. The problem is just that because I do not feel incomplete as I am at present, I do not feel a particular drive to go out and search for someone that may or may not be “the one.”
Someone told me the other day that because I have so many good friends their combined force fulfill all my relationship needs. I may be a little bit sexually frustrated (friends and sex have never mixed very well for me), but that is not enough reason for me to get married. Taking on a serious relationship just for the sex is a very superficial and selfish reason—dare I say, even an immoral reason—to engage in a serious relationship. I have good friends, it is true. I feel very blessed for it, and do not take them for granted. She could be right. Since I do have many good friends, I feel enough love from my loved ones, that I do not feel a need to for such love from a single source.
It would have been easy if I could blame someone or something: my parents or my circumstances that forced me into early independence, causing me to think of dependency on others as a weakness. One of the big expectations I have of myself is that I should not be a burden on someone. In one sense it is a ridiculous expectation as I do not hold other people to this standard. If one cares for someone, such burdens, though difficult, is something you carry with gladly. A mother that nurtures a terminally ill child sees her duties not as an unbearable burden, but as an act of love. While difficult, love makes it unthinkable not to carry the burden. In similar manner I also try to carry the “burden” of those I love when circumstances call for it. Why do I not want to allow another to carry the same burden for me?
Is this then part of the problem? Don't I think myself worthy to be a burden—worthy of love? Worthy of devotion? It irritates me, to be honest. While I enjoy flattery just as much as the next guy, devotion—overt, ardor of the romantic kind—irks me. I've even said it to a lady once while I was sick and she attempted to take care of me: “Stop mothering me!” Am I just suffering from a form of manly pride that sees the acceptance of such care as weakness. In other words, am I too proud to accept the complete care of a spouse? Of this one has to be careful! There is a reason the Christian thinkers through the ages concur that pride is the worst of sins.
Yet, is the mere existence of this essay not a testament to the fact that at least one part of me wonders about the possibility of a romantic, synergy evoking companionship? Clearly it is issue enough for me to take the time to contemplate it and put electronic ink to digital paper.
I'm going on a date next week. I have few expectations. I'm just going for the fun of it. Now that I've moved my Tuesday night Taekwon-Do training to Monday nights, I have the night free to enjoy other things. Going on a date sounds like a good way to enjoy a Tuesday night. It will be a couple of days after my birthday—in the year in which I was supposed to get married.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
"You Owe Me Nothing in Return"
Alanis Morissette's song "You Owe Me Nothing in Return" effectively summarises how I understand love in a relationship ought to be. It describes an unselfish version of love -- "the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is." Unfortunately there are so few people mature enough, and secure enough, to understand and want such a love and a relationship based on such a love. It requires complete trust of and faith in your partner. It also requires self-assurance. There is no room for self-pity and insisting in your partner fulfilling your selfish needs.
I hope to one day find a person to share a relationship based on such an understanding of love. And I hope that when I find that person that I will have grown adequately to present my partner with this type of love in return.
"You Owe Me Nothing In Return"
I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
I hope to one day find a person to share a relationship based on such an understanding of love. And I hope that when I find that person that I will have grown adequately to present my partner with this type of love in return.
"You Owe Me Nothing In Return"
I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Song's About the Craziness of Being In Love
The song I wanted to included first is "It's Crazy" by Sarah Vaughan, but it seems I cannot find a YouTube version of it.
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Hoe sê jy "ek lief jou" in Afrikaans?
Ooit gewonder wat's die verskil tussen "Ek het jou lief" en "Ek is lief vir jou"? Ek het bietjie hieroor besin en 'n kort essay op Ingelegde Lywe daaroor geskryf. Hier is my slotsom:
Met “Ek het jou lief” is liefde in ons besit; 'n intense gevoel in die hier-en-nou. Met “Ek is lief vir jou” verander ek in liefde en vind my vervulling in jou.Lees gerus die kort essay hier.
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Some Christmas Thoughts
Last year I mentioned why I do not celebrate Christmas as a holy-day. The following little animation illustrate my points in an entertaining way.
As the video points out, there is a beautiful message to Christ-mas, and although I don't consider December 25th as particularly special, I do have great appreciation for the historic event when Love became embodied in a human being who would have it as part of His mission to demonstrate to us what love-in-action is. And by implication also to demonstrate to us our sinful nature -- that when Love foils our selfishness, we would kill Love to silence it. Luckily, Love, like Truth (for the two are intimately related), cannot stay dead, and even if we were to bury it, eventually it will always come out again -- it will always rise from the dead.
Incidentally, we see this motif in the WikiLeaks-saga. When the Truth of corrupt governments come to light, the messengers of truth are persecuted. But Truth, like Love, will eventually prevail.
As the video points out, there is a beautiful message to Christ-mas, and although I don't consider December 25th as particularly special, I do have great appreciation for the historic event when Love became embodied in a human being who would have it as part of His mission to demonstrate to us what love-in-action is. And by implication also to demonstrate to us our sinful nature -- that when Love foils our selfishness, we would kill Love to silence it. Luckily, Love, like Truth (for the two are intimately related), cannot stay dead, and even if we were to bury it, eventually it will always come out again -- it will always rise from the dead.
Incidentally, we see this motif in the WikiLeaks-saga. When the Truth of corrupt governments come to light, the messengers of truth are persecuted. But Truth, like Love, will eventually prevail.
Friday, 17 December 2010
Gedig: Wie?
Wie, hier, kan vir my sêwaar die westewindhaar kop neelê;waar die oostewindhaar skuiling vind;waarom my mooi lieflingweggegaan het,waarom sy my hieragter gelaat het?Wie?
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Ek verlang
Ek moet bieg dat ek verlang nie na Suid-Afrika nie. In al die jare wat ek in Korea bly het ek nooit benoemenswaardige huimweë gehad nie. Ja ek verlang op tye na geliefdes, maar nie na Suid-Afrika as ’n plek nie. Wel dit is, tot onlangs. Die laaste week of so het ’n grootskaalse verlange na ’n baie spesifieke aspek van Suid-Afrika my getakel met ’n driflike ywer, naamlik die Afrikaanse kunskultuur. Dit was nie tot twee dae gelede dat ek met iemand in Suid-Afrika gesels het en die persoon aan my onthul het dat Aardklop Kunstefees aan die gang was die afgelope week, dat ek bewus was van die onlangse kunsinnige joligheid in my “buurt” nie. Op ’n interesante intuïtiewe manier het ek op ’n metafisiese vlak geskakel met daardie kreatiewe gees wat in Potchefstroom gevibreer het. So erg was my verlange na hierdie kreatiewe Afrikaanse-subkultuur dat ek vir my twee Afrikaanse plate vanaf Rhythm Music Store (mymusiek.co.za) afgelaai het: Van Coke Kartel se “Skop, Skiet en Donner” en Glaskas se “Revolusie Romantiek Ruk en Rol,” waarna ek met lekker geesdriftigheid die laaste paar dae luister.
Die persoon met wie ek telefonies gepraat het, was my X. Dit ook heeltemal toeval nadat ek net die vorige uur met ’n oudkollega gesels het oor verhoudings en hoe moeilik dit vir my is om iemand te vind wat by my pas. Om ’n meisie te kry is nie moeilik nie, maar om werklik iemand te kry wat by ’n mens pas, wie versoenbaar is met jou leefwyse, godskonsep, diëetvoorkeure, waardes, ensomeer, is glad nie maklik nie. Gedurende die gesprek met my oudkollega het ek gepeins oor hoe verbasend goed ek en X, wat die voorgenoemde aspekte betref, gepas het. ’n Hoofrede hoekom ons verhouding nie gewerk het nie, is ’n ou tema in my liefdelewe – slegte tydsberekening. Ek het reeds die werk in Korea aanvaar nog voordat ons ernstig geraak het; gevolglik was ons afsonderlike lewens nie genoegsaam in pas met mekaar om ’n verhouding te laat werk nie. Ons het aanvanklik die langafstandding oorweeg, maar dit het duidelik geraak dat dit, onder huidige omstandighede, nie werkbaar was nie.
My gesprek met haar was beslis nie beplan nie. Ek het eintlik haar grootouers geskakel, my “aangenome” ouma en oupa. Sy was ter loops by hulle huis terwyl hulle uit was (hulle het ’n Aardklopvertoning gaan kyk) en het toevallig die telefoon geantwoord. Met haar “hello” en my “hello” was daar onmiddelike weedersydse herkenning, ’n oomblik se hartklop-misklop, en gelyktydige verassingsvolle “haai!-hoe-gaan-dit-met-jou!” Dit was ’n heerlike vrolike gesprek omtrent mekaar se welstand, doen-en-late, en eventueel ook liefdeslewe. Die afwesigheid van enige romantiese aktiwiteit in mekaar se lewens het ’n vreemde gelukkigheid in beide aanhoorder van hierdie “slegte” nuus te weeg gebring: “Ek is so bly om te hoor dat jy ’n droeë liefdeslewe het en ek bedoel dit op ’n mooi manier.” Tyd het ou wonde genoegsaam genees dat ons in mekaar se telefoniese geselskap slegs die mooi dinge kon onthou en na sowat veertigminute van uiters aangename gesprekvoering—ou vriende wat weer opvang, lou kole wat weer vlamvat—’n nasmakie kon hê van die goeie tye toe ons nog bronstigverlief was.
Ek mis Suid-Afrika.
Die persoon met wie ek telefonies gepraat het, was my X. Dit ook heeltemal toeval nadat ek net die vorige uur met ’n oudkollega gesels het oor verhoudings en hoe moeilik dit vir my is om iemand te vind wat by my pas. Om ’n meisie te kry is nie moeilik nie, maar om werklik iemand te kry wat by ’n mens pas, wie versoenbaar is met jou leefwyse, godskonsep, diëetvoorkeure, waardes, ensomeer, is glad nie maklik nie. Gedurende die gesprek met my oudkollega het ek gepeins oor hoe verbasend goed ek en X, wat die voorgenoemde aspekte betref, gepas het. ’n Hoofrede hoekom ons verhouding nie gewerk het nie, is ’n ou tema in my liefdelewe – slegte tydsberekening. Ek het reeds die werk in Korea aanvaar nog voordat ons ernstig geraak het; gevolglik was ons afsonderlike lewens nie genoegsaam in pas met mekaar om ’n verhouding te laat werk nie. Ons het aanvanklik die langafstandding oorweeg, maar dit het duidelik geraak dat dit, onder huidige omstandighede, nie werkbaar was nie.
My gesprek met haar was beslis nie beplan nie. Ek het eintlik haar grootouers geskakel, my “aangenome” ouma en oupa. Sy was ter loops by hulle huis terwyl hulle uit was (hulle het ’n Aardklopvertoning gaan kyk) en het toevallig die telefoon geantwoord. Met haar “hello” en my “hello” was daar onmiddelike weedersydse herkenning, ’n oomblik se hartklop-misklop, en gelyktydige verassingsvolle “haai!-hoe-gaan-dit-met-jou!” Dit was ’n heerlike vrolike gesprek omtrent mekaar se welstand, doen-en-late, en eventueel ook liefdeslewe. Die afwesigheid van enige romantiese aktiwiteit in mekaar se lewens het ’n vreemde gelukkigheid in beide aanhoorder van hierdie “slegte” nuus te weeg gebring: “Ek is so bly om te hoor dat jy ’n droeë liefdeslewe het en ek bedoel dit op ’n mooi manier.” Tyd het ou wonde genoegsaam genees dat ons in mekaar se telefoniese geselskap slegs die mooi dinge kon onthou en na sowat veertigminute van uiters aangename gesprekvoering—ou vriende wat weer opvang, lou kole wat weer vlamvat—’n nasmakie kon hê van die goeie tye toe ons nog bronstigverlief was.
Ek mis Suid-Afrika.
Saturday, 5 June 2010
Gekneusde appelkose
Haar hare ruik na appelkose. Soet, vars appelkose. Ek lê met my gesig in haar hare; ek omhels haar van agter. Haar lieflike heupe kruin in my buik asof ek ’n moeder en sy my ongebore kind is en so wil ek verewig lê. Haar asemhaling is rustig nes ’n laaggety. Slaap sy altyd so rustig? Dis oggend maar ek durf nie roer nie. Netnou word sy wakker, staan sy op, begin die dag, die res van die lewe, en het hierdie oomblik aanbeweeg. Aanbeweeg soos gisteraand toe ek haar gekneusde appelkose met al vyf sintuie geproe het.
Monday, 31 May 2010
Gedig
A Creative Commons image by RickHarris
Op persketakke lê soos watte die voorvrugte.
Só, op my hart blom my liefde – onverdun.
My beminde, hou nie jou rooi hart gegrendel nie:
die hart is ’n papie wat eens nog moet vlerke kry,
wat oop moet maak soos biddende hande na gebed,
soos ’n lotus voor die son, soos twee pare lippe
vir mekaar, soos bene vir bekende heupe,
soos vriende se kaalpersoonlikhede.
Want in die laat winter bot die perskes
en deur die koue groei die liefde soos tienerborste.
My beminde, hou nie jou soet mond toe nie:
laat my tong soos ’n vinger jou snare stram,
jou perkussie plekke kielie, jou diep liefdesgrotte
maak eggo soos roepende katedraalklokke,
wat luidkeels ween oor die hoog gestookte liefde
en jou brandstapel waarop ek hartstogtelik verteer.
Hoogsomer dra die perskebome swaar aan vrugte
en loop die harte oor van bloed en liefde.
My beminde, vergeet nie die ou verhale nie:
van Adam (óf Romeo) wat deel aan die giftige perskes
en deel aan die lot, want die liefde se drif vrees nie
die dood nie, dit loop doelgerig die duisternis in –
braaf soos Christus, wánt, my beminde,
die slot van die dood bind nie die liefde nie.
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