Sunday, 23 February 2014

My First World Problem: Penis Touching Toilet Bowl

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Seriously, one has to wonder who designs toilet bowls. I'm tempted to come to the conclusion that they are either women who are not designing toilets with male genitalia in mind, or men with extra short penises, or hyper cheap manufacturers (with short penises) that would sacrifice our hygiene for a few centimetres less of toilet space.

There are few things in life that galls me as much as when my penis touches the front of the toilet bowl. And it is not as if I'm sitting on the front edge of the toilet either. I'm sitting properly far back. Neither do I have an unusually large penis—mine is in line with the world average, so I'm sure it can't just be me who is struggling with this most irksome of problems. In fact, a quick online search for “penis touching toilet bowl” showed that this is a very common problem. There is even a Facebook page for: “The awkward moment when your penis touches the toilet bowl.”

What's wrong with this picture?
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The toilet at my home is okayish, but I still have to push my penis down with one hand otherwise it touches the front of the toilet bowl. Some public restroom toilets are particularly cramp and shallow, so that even with me pushing things down, it still touches the front bowl. Which, keeping in mind that it is a public toilet, is particularly gross. As one guy on a forum said, it is like “a kiss for your dick tip from every other dick tip” that has used that toilet before you. If I'm going to have parts of my body kissing parts of other peoples' body, I'd prefer to know them first and have it happen outside the confines of a gross toilet cubicle. And sometimes, even if you get to push your penis down so that it doesn't touch the front of the bowl, often these public toilets are not deep enough, so what ends up happening is that you dip your tip into the water, which—considering that you are taking a dump—is disgusting. Now I haven't even started to to talk about the occasions you have a semi-hard on, which happens quite often for average healthy guys throughout the day. And since this rant is concerned with penis tips touching the front of the toilet bowl, I will not address the related but fortunately less common disasters of those terribly shallow toilet bowls where your scrotum touches the water's surface on hot summer's days. It is not as refreshing as it sounds.

Can you spot my brother?
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Back to glans penises and porcelain. Women might think that the solution is to keep your penis outside of the toilet, by simply resting it on a piece of toilet paper on top of the front brim. Unfortunately this doesn't work because you always pee a little when taking a dump, which results in you peeing over your pants and shoes. Alternatively one can hang a piece of toilet paper on the inside of the front of the bowl and let your penis rest against it, but again this isn't ideal as a toilet is always damp and so the toilet paper just gets all mushy and the wetness (and germs?!) from the toilet bowl steeps through onto your manhood, or you get a urine soaked piece of toilet paper wrapped around your glans. One of my brothers' solution to the problem is to climb onto the toilet bowl, and squat on it, which according to science is a healthier position for passing stool that sitting down. Regrettably, this is a balancing act I've never quite mastered and the fear of accidentally slipping of the brim and stepping into the bowl is enough to prevent me from testing my agility on a public thrown.

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The last time my penis touched the toilet bowl at a public restroom—a week ago—I finished my business in the toilet and then went over to the handbasin and just washed my penis with soap and water. I was frankly too grossed out to walk around the whole day thinking of all the germ-kisses that were planted on my penis tip. Luckily there was nobody else in the public restroom who I could disturb with me washing my junk in the public sink, but a hygienic man's got to do what a hygienic man's got to do. While I'm guilty of this act, the habit of men washing their groins in public restroom basens is not something I hope catches on. Imagine having to stand in line to wash your hands after another guy has just lathered up his penis!

The simple solution, dear toilet makers, is to make toilet bowls adequately long and deep enough to prevent the normal sized and larger sized men from having to endure the irritating problem of their penises touching parts of the toilet bowl. Is that too much to ask?



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